my cry, my desire

A fond goodbye

2011-06-25T18:14:00.002+08:00

Perhaps it hasn't been the best time to do so, but while taking a break from studying, decided to try out another provider for the fun of it.

And tumblr's user interface has proven pretty appealing! I know blogs have, interestingly, somewhat gone out-of-date, so if you still care to follow once in a while - thank you :)

So as of today, twentythreefour has moved to thestraightandnarrow.tumblr.com. Please do relink, if you can!

2011-06-24T03:20:00.000+08:00

But since we belong to the day, let us be self-controlled, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet. For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath, but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ. He died for us, so that whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him. Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. (1 Thess 5:8-11)

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. (2 Tim 1:7)

Please help me focus? (as ironic as posting this is.) Heart isn't in studying at all. Longs for fellowship with friends, longs to talk to my siblings, longs to linger over verses, longs to be left to thoughts and reflections.

I know I shouldn't. "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as though for the Lord, not for man." (Col 3:23) Study for the Lord! and - be thankful, that He should count it as done unto Himself! this little exertion of will, this insignificant burst of hard work, this little step in attempting to grasp the immensity of the universe - this universe that He himself made. That He himself made in just seven -six- days - in six days He simply willed and it came to be; the greatness and splendor of the galaxies, the tiniest atoms and how they make up everything we see, language in all its richness. What is it to Him that you decide to persevere in studying for Him? nothing! and yet He counts it to His glory. Don't we see? what an immense, immense privilege.

Transformed: Changed in Christ

2011-06-18T07:08:00.003+08:00

Youth Camp 2011 - (13-16 June) - IOI Resort, JB, M'sia

Youth Camp was an amazing experience, but only because we have an amazing God.

It brings great joy to my heart to think of the work the Spirit has done in our midst, in the midst of our lowly, unworthy YF, filled with sinners - absolute "rubbish!!!" like us, as Pastor Ayan would say. This camp, nothing outwardly stunning or impressive happened, but as Dwong put it, "I saw religion destroyed, pride dissipated, facades discarded, authentic Christianity birthed, and true fellowship dawn." Yes, thanks be to God.

It's not been so much of a 'spiritual high' (a risky term for me because of the perspective of 'highs and lows' that it suggests) as it has been a real, true experience of what it means to be a Christian. Since coming back yesterday I've just been sitting around with a deep appreciation and thankfulness, mind still thinking back to the words heard, heart still pondering, eyes still dancing with silent laughter over the fun we had.

As I look back on the past 6 years I've been in the YF, I see how God has continually brought us to higher ground, although the path there has not been easy, only after many struggles, and I'm certain, much prayer. (Think I'm very blessed to be in it at the time I have been, but then again God presently continues to work so there shouldn't be such basis of comparison.) I will pray that - and am "confident of this", that "he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" (Phil 1:6).

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (Phil 3:12-14)

Even as I write this, deep down I'm afraid that I might go back to my old ways, that I may continue to cherish certain sins in my heart, or worse still that I might be deceived to think that I have become 'holier' in any way (rather than a growing recognition of how sinful I am). But I think of Phil 2:13, that "it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose". So my confidence is in the Lord, the Lord who promises, "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. I want you to know that I am not doing this for your sake, declares the Sovereign Lord." (Ezekiel 36:26, 32)

Furthermore I realize that actually apparent changes in my life are inconsequential. "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Rom 5:8) One clear message this camp was: it is grace. Nothing that we ever did made us worthy. Yet Christ died, even before we saw our sin, because of love. Nothing that we ever can do will make us worthy. Not that bearing fruit is unimportant. But I will not base my confidence henceforth on my own works, but on the assurance of Christ's work on the cross and the sufficiency of grace. I know that I may not be 360° transformed after this camp, for we're all still works in progress being "renewed day by day" (2 Cor 4:16). Rather than be discouraged by that, I will instead thank God for His grace.

Maybe I'll share a bit more about specific lessons learnt in later posts, but for now I should grab breakfast, spend time alone with God, then get started on some studying since that is part of my work on this earth - not that I want to, but to put it in perspective, it's been 6 days since I did so proper.

postscript

2011-06-10T20:32:00.003+08:00

Haha, realized poem is potentially cryptic, and not very direct or expressive.

So, just - in unguarded, unfettered prose - will miss RSB so, and band, and all that it has been and meant. It's been so much a part of my life, been instrumental (haha pun unintentional) in shaping who I am. A love and respect for music, believing very much in commitment and duty, taking care to look out for others, knowing to not-push self forward but rather look to the whole, knowing how to be quick and critical yet retaining a strong sense of innocence and idealism. Who'd have even dreamt that, six years ago - standing, awkward, unassuming, on that carpeted floor in the room we'd grow to call our own - we would have had such a wealth of life-changing experiences, that we'd have been moulded into the people we now are?

Perhaps it'll be too hard to let go.

Then again it's lessened by the deeper knowledge that this isn't a total goodbye, for friendships made, treasures shared, and lessons learnt apace will still remain.

And farewell itself was a day to remember indeed, was very touched by all the effort our juniors did to make it special and lovely for us, with their funny plans and attempted surprises, really sweet video, and - thank you all, if any of you ever read this; keep the spirit burning, and lead us to greater heights, yeah (:

unfailing

2011-06-07T20:24:00.001+08:00

Blessed is the man you discipline, O LORD, the man you teach from your law; you grant him relief from days of trouble... For the LORD will not reject his people; he will never forsake his inheritance. When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your love, O LORD, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. (Ps 94:12-14, 18-19)

one heart, one sound, one band

2011-06-06T23:56:00.002+08:00

[Prologue: On hindsight it was a terribly mad idea!! but feel slightly-accomplished, and fully-amused, at this attempt that resulted in a rather crummy poem. But oh well, for what it's worth.]

.

Of farewells

Farewell -
it's that time of the year once
again when droll life’s roll takes its toll,
forces near
hearts apart and
unabashedly consigns them
to neat bound stacked papers
full of squinty little black dots
coolly informing you that
seven final letters shall henceforth dictate
your fate
(as though that’s all that matters)

But this final letter is different, it
is love
illuminates the rays of the bright noonday sun
traces the rainbows in the dark storm clouds

Remember the thrill of first sight?
steps tentative, we baby-walked,
hand-in-hand, innocently down
yellow brick roads that became to us sunshine

Once there was a tempo that
made our happy heartbeats one
next, a festival we romped at, and
surprise! second-stole the show

Then flying high with blessed hopes we
made it, and golden-smiling
melted into laughter, swelled with fiery pride
for a final time that twilight

With fun - tears - spirit, and
sweet sounds along the way
we’ve journeyed thus far and stand
at the end of a beloved chapter today
on our lips none but ‘thank you’,
to all of you tried and true

And now dear juniors, know that
while grades grind
love lasts
so cup those memory bubbles
carefully, tenderly;
‘he is no fool who gives what he cannot keep
to gain that which he cannot lose’

So it is with heartfelt gratitude, nostalgic smiles,
perchance a glimmering eye (no need to cry! for
goodbyes
are only as permanent as we want them to be
and friends
will still be there – that is loyalty)
that we our higher hopes impart
and fondly, finally bid thee, as we depart,
farewell.

With spirit

2011-06-03T23:08:00.002+08:00

[Warning: Very convoluted post ;p]

Con Anima was three days back. Should post at least a few lines on it, as some sort of a psychological assurance of having preserved it somehow -- before it slips away and fades into the distance, as all memories tend to, perhaps even more rapidly now than ever before.

Last band concert of my life (in all presently foreseeable likelihood, anyhow). Such mixed feelings that I'm not sure how to express.

The preparation period was probably three quarters of the story for me; not quite happy but not altogether unpleasant. Two weeks before, administrative nightmares commenced, ones that meant at least 200 smses in and 300 out per day (plugged phone in to the comp so I know) - working out to 500/24h = 20.8/h = 1 sms in or out per 3 minutes, time spent sleeping not included. Add another 50 emails per day and that's enough to keep one either well-occupied or crazy, depending on one's philosophical bent of mind and personality inclinations. Have met some nice people to have worked with, though, on the bright side - esp the band comms. :) Learnt more about the importance of clear communication too. And one night as I was in bed I was suddenly pricked by guilt over how I'd neglected to be a friend for the sake of efficiency; the importance of graciousness was a good reminder.

The last quarter of the story was the concert day itself. Hmm. I guess it is always more fitting for the bad to go first, and the better to be saved for the end.

So: it was hot!! E.D. most annoyingly switched off the aircon at 8.45pm, post-intermission i.e. the time band went onstage. =.=""" (literally). And there was absolutely nothing that could be done about it (I even resorted to smsing our teachers onstage in the first row to ask if smth could be done!) It was almost hilarious, and yet also most un-funny. It didn't help that players, audience and conductor alike were all perspiring profusely -- it affected our collective playing I'm sure, tuning-wise and also because some people were just too covered in sweat to play. So it didn't quite feel like a concert in that heat, which is, honestly, a real pity. But as with life, no point bemoaning the could-have-beens, I guess.

Strangely (or not so?) it may have been the concert I've played best at so far, which is always a thing to be happy about for any band person you ask. Maybe because of the more manageable pieces, the stage experience, and of course at the end of 6 years it is sensible to expect that. I still remember how many times I've crumbled under the pressure of performing, even when putting on a bold front, like at SIBF last year or even for a bit at AITONA and SYF this year. I'm not a steady player under pressure at all, but maybe that's changed.

Other pluses - seeing familiar faces in the PAC :) People actually saying they enjoyed the music despite the heat (hope they were being truthful). And I guess, overall, just ending on a higher note than what would have otherwise been the case if we'd stopped after SYF: competitions (or exams for that matter) tend to do that to you, don't they? with that sense of emptiness, when you realize it's just been those words in print that you've been working so hard for. I guess that's why concerts, no matter what, tend to be more fulfilling - the emotional and personal involvement, the treasuring of the experience for what it is in and of itself rather than against some external benchmark. Which should give us an inkling of how we actually are as humans - what really matters to us - and how to better lead our lives. Is it not in vain that we oft pursue things that don't satisfy?

And happier things. :D. Feeling that 'magic' a few times during the rehearsal/actual performance; photos that inexplicably bind; witnessing the unselfish helpfulness of some; standing there looking at J and us being able to quietly say, "It's over".

Tomorrow's our official farewell. I guess to any other person all this rambling may all seem a little foolish, perhaps, or at best hard to understand. (Oh dear, I do ramble, do I not.) Anyone can point to many pragmatic reasons, and even I have somewhat anticipated this day and the psychological relief that will presumably follow. There's been much to appreciate but I guess we all know that it's time. Yet there's still a child in me that just doesn't want to say goodbye to this which has been such a part of my life.

Grace sufficient

2011-05-30T23:45:00.000+08:00

My prayer for the impending mugging season - and academic-intensive months that await:

"Keep falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, ‘Who is the Lord?’ Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of my God." (Prov 30:8-9)

2011-05-23T22:30:00.000+08:00

The old Sony Eric k610i has been my most trusty companion these few days - my voice, my connection to the rest of humanity, my ability to articulate. Still don't regret sticking with it although it's 4? years old (ooh) though it really is wearing out soon.

These past four days have been rather surreal - mind somewhere up there, relatively sane, above this crumbling physical mess, fingers occasionally flying but then flopping down again in resignation soon enough. I hate sounding wimpy, but I daresay I've not felt so miserably ill before: have spent records of 21h (Fri), 22.5h (Sat), 20h (Sun), 18h (today) languishing in bed, simply unable to climb out! Efforts to sit up immediately followed by hacking coughs and an exploding head; as much as I like believing in mind>matter no amount of willpower enables me to climb out. Though of course band concert admin has continued forging ahead - every other waking hour spent on it - something in me refuses to not-finish this well, refuses to succumb as far as possible because, they matter more to me than myself.

From the looks of it I'm set to be pretty much an invalid bedridden for the next 2-3 more days, as much as I wish to go back to school again and catch up with the many pressing things that push forward (time and tide indeed waits for no man) and, more happily, catch up with the people who teach me to feel, teach me to care, teach me that there is more to life than me and (pun intended) busyness.

But I should count my blessings. In a way I am grateful for this delibitating illness, for it's given me no choice but to rest in more senses than one. Perhaps I have been too caught up in the cares of this world (I have), too reliant on people/myself than on God (I have). Perhaps I have forgotten what it means to find joy in living (mm), what it means to be a pilgrim on the narrow road - a solitary - journey - straight and narrow path (indeed). It has forced reflection in some measure and turned thoughts as to how to change. Don't know if I've gotten to the latter yet, hopefully by the end of this (the Lord willing) I will have.

I have family and friends who truly care (even though this is largely my own fault). I have a bed, shelter, porridge, which many in this world don't.

I have a Heavenly Father who's there for me [us] always.
He gives us music that our hearts might sing
Truth that by it we might be sanctified
Hope for a new tearless morn
Love that keeps us going on.

2011-05-19T21:06:00.001+08:00

As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God? My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, “Where is your God?”

These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng.

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

(Psalm 42:1-6a)

When happier realities remain but frozen in time that we call the past, though still numbed to and not comprehending the present, I know this at least: that it cannot be, and should not be. I long to start anew.

Break me, make me.

in the mirror

2011-05-10T22:21:00.005+08:00

[I know a post-SYF post (no pun intended!) is due - will do something soon.]

Perhaps I've been looking for the wrong thing all this while.

Rom 8:28. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. Though I don't really see the good purpose now, I ought to continue to trust. And pray fervently that indeed some good will come out of this. Need to be tougher and end this well. Move on, move on.

Maybe this is how life feels when your best is never enough. Perhaps being used to 'success' in some measure has made this such a hard lesson to go through. How does one cope when, no matter how hard you try, you don't meet people's expectations?

Come to think of it maybe, maybe all along when I say I have a firm foundation in Him I don't really know what that means - my self-confidence is founded not on the basis of my standing in His eyes, but my ability to achieve certain things that makes me stand well in man's eyes.

3; voice in the silence

2011-05-01T15:33:00.002+08:00

The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.” Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper... Then a voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?” (1 Kings 19:11-13)

Return, O Israel, to the Lord your God. Your sins have been your downfall! Take words with you and return to the Lord. Say to Him: "Forgive all our sins and receive us graciously, that we may offer the fruit of our lips." (Hosea 14:1-2)

And if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit, who lives in you. (Romans 8:11)

I have let desire taint holiness. I have let worry and hurry destroy perfect peace.

Let me live no longer apart from your presence, but instead be set apart for Your glory.

4; was and is and is to come

2011-04-30T19:58:00.001+08:00

Remember first love
the thrill of untread ground
there we simple enjoyment found

Remember sweet sounds
the fruits of hardwork aplenty
then we learnt the joy of unity

Remember our pledge
the passion to stay true
when we committed to see it through

Not just a memory

but a reality
for we do what we love and love what we do

ultimately.

5; tracing rainbows through the rain

2011-04-29T21:45:00.004+08:00

Discouraged and battered and exhausted. Can't muster the strength to say much more. I wanted to give up, but that's almost never the right thing to do.

You've taken so much from me, or rather I've given you so much, without having back anything in return, or at least that's how it seems now. Maybe it will pay off. But then again that's precisely why one shouldn't do things for the results but for a purpose that never changes and always deeply satisfies. Either way it's 'more blessed to give than to receive', I know.

It suddenly hit me today during history how I've lost the joy of learning. Going to school's slowly become a burden rather than something I look forward to.

And same goes for this. Yes, P, we need to remember love.

five

Thank You for the storms that keep faith alive

2011-04-20T00:44:00.003+08:00

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. (Heb 12:11-12)

Circumstances are trying and pressures are mounting. I've secretly reached breaking points multiple times of late, points at which I've found myself crying out in helplessness, acknowledging that I know not what to do, that I cannot do, that I don't even know what/how/why to be anymore.

But giving up is never the right option. Be strong be courageous in the Lord. Thank God that when we pray that we be as weak as possible that He might be shown to be infinitely strong, His power never fails. I only pray that I too might be faithful.

The last lap.

Gilt-edged songs

2011-04-08T22:12:00.003+08:00

I confess I started tearing a little at their performance which I was so inexplicable moved by; you could just feel that tremor that the 'rgssb spirit' sends, that thrill of unity that lingers in the air? That we all once knew and still treasure somewhere down there.

I couldn't help it. I guess just seeing them walk onstage in their green vests and chequered skirts, insanely nervous yet determined and smiling, tasting in each second of music the tears and hours dedicated - re-living that whole experience again - does that to you.

Thankful and glad for the SYF gold. Well done :))

Something Ms L said today really encouraged me - we were talking about how MO has a very distinctive style of pieces that he's comfortable with (Satoshi Yagisawa!), and how those are generally very safe for SYF. Then I pointed out that Turandot was hardly 'safe' nor 'standard', and she said that MO chose it because he thought our batch was strong, and able handle a significantly more difficult piece. (Indeed it is a hard piece, fraught with B/C#/E/F# majors that makes tuning a nightmare - I doubt RJ band would be able to pull it off either if we played it now.) I guess that makes the bittersweetness... less bitter, and more sweet.

thirty six

2011-03-28T22:47:00.002+08:00

Am resolved to practice every single day for the next 36 days.

Streams of living water

2011-03-28T00:37:00.001+08:00

"My people have committed two sins:
They have forsaken me,
the spring of living water,
and have dug their own cisterns,
broken cisterns that cannot hold water."

(Jer 2:13)

Indeed it's not that we desire too much, but that we desire too little. We are content with our pathetic little cistern, whose water is not only stale and dirty; it is "broken". And when we realize it does not quench our thirst, we dig yet another (thus "cisterns"), and another, and another. We have turned away from the spring of living water - there is "no one righteous, not even one" (Rom 3:10).

To our turned backs our Saviour cries, 'Come'. "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink." (Jn 7:37)

Another interesting perspective was re: our deep soul-thirst. Deep within we are thirsty and empty, and long to be filled with that elusive Something. We look for fulfillment in friends, results, achievements, excitement, activity. But we find that nothing really fills fully - we always want more. We aim for straight As, for example, but when we actually finally achieve them, we aren't entirely content. We keep wanting more - an indication of short term satisfaction, of course, but one that doesn't - can't - last.

Further to this, C.S. Lewis made a point. Each of man's desires, he says, also implies that there must be something that exists to fulfill it. A man's hunger implies that edible food, which will satisfy that desire, necessarily exists (though whether he actually gets it is another question). A man's sexual desire indicates the existence of sex; a man's desire for friendships indicates that friendships do exist and can be built.

So what does our deep soul-thirst, that we constantly try to fill, indicate? (...and that we "constantly try" reveals that they don't satisfy in the long run.) It reveals that there is Something that exists to meet that deep, intensely personal desire.

Our deepest thirst can only be quenched by the depths of the stream of living water, which fully satisfies our souls. Not our little, broken cisterns. 'You have made us for Yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in You.' (St Augustine)

the flight

2011-03-27T00:54:00.004+08:00

Time is indeed hurrying past. At times days run dangerously close to being reduced to checklists of things to be done. Term 1's over, and there's hardly been time to let that sink in. Holidays have gone past - spent studying in a moderate amount, though barely as hard as I initially intended to, for better or worse... (my time management leaves much to be desired). CT1s have come and gone within a matter of days (three, to be precise), leaving in its tide a wave of band, band, RAP, HL, church stuff to grapple with and think about - oh, and not to mention the messiest state my table's been in since the start of this year! All this amidst the backdrop of a world that's vastly different from what it was 3 weeks back, what with Japan and Libya and so forth... which was heartbreaking; and gave perspective during CT studying week.

I guess work/responsibilities will never end - at least, much more so in JC than back in sec school, I feel. Probably reflective of how things are in the 'real' world. We just simply can't do everything we want to, now. Guess the onus must then be on us to decide for ourselves what our priorities should be and what we really value.

SYF in five weeks. Hmm. Maybe it's not so much, can we? as it is, do we believe, and will we.

And thank you, to those of you who keep that small yet strong hope glowing. :)

2011-03-20T21:53:00.001+08:00

Our hearts are cluttered by the many things of daily life
our minds clouded by the troubles of the world -
but the Lord sits enthroned over the flood
the Lord is enthroned as King forever
the Lord gives strength to His people
the Lord blesses His people with peace
- the Lord blesses His people with strength and peace.

So Lord, let us start anew
this day,
this hour,
this minute
cause our hearts to turn to You and turn
away from evil things.
The heart of worship is all about You, Jesus
the heart of living is all about You.

Oh Lord, how often have I rejected You
Your all-sufficiency
how oft I have desired others more than I have You
forgive me. Undeserving I
come, looking inwards I
hardly dare to look up yet
know that it is by grace that I stand
with confidence:

Change me, I pray. Oh Lord, cause me to want to love You
that I may truly say that You're the reason
that I live
and sing
with everything.

(27/2/11)

2011-03-09T23:29:00.000+08:00

What a piece of work is a man! how noble in reason!
how infinite in faculty! in form and moving how
express and admirable! in action how like an angel!
in apprehension how like a god! the beauty of the
world! the paragon of animals! And yet, to me,
what is this quintessence of dust?

-- Hamlet, Act II Scene II

-

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor.

(Isaiah 61:1b-3)

-

When I consider your heavens,
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,
what is mankind that you are mindful of them,
human beings that you care for them?
Lord, our Lord,
how majestic is your name in all the earth!

(Psalm 8:3-4, 9)

-

Happy Ash Wednesday. Insofar as, I quote Bryan, that isn't an oxymoron. As it shouldn't be.

-

The distress is still raw. But Matt 6:26-27. Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? Sound advice, for there's nothing more I can do. Something I've told myself repeatedly that I need to work on - not worrying so much, especially when it can't change things. I should just pray and trust that He will work all things for good. Praying for His favour, but also to accept whatever might happen.

That my breath may sweeten and perfume my death

2011-03-08T22:34:00.002+08:00

A Contemplation upon Flowers

Henry King

Brave flowers--that I could gallant it like you,

And be as little vain!

You come abroad, and make a harmless show,

And to your beds of earth again.

You are not proud: you know your birth:

For your embroider'd garments are from earth.

You do obey your months and times, but I

Would have it ever Spring:

My fate would know no Winter, never die,

Nor think of such a thing.

O that I could my bed of earth but view

And smile, and look as cheerfully as you!

O teach me to see Death and not to fear,

But rather to take truce!

How often have I seen you at a bier,

And there look fresh and spruce!

You fragrant flowers! then teach me, that my breath

Like yours may sweeten and perfume my death.

In greatness is no trust

2011-03-08T22:31:00.001+08:00

On the Tombs in Westminster Abbey

Francis Beaumont

Mortality, behold and fear!

What a change of flesh is here!

Think how many royal bones

Sleep within these heaps of stones;

Here they lie, had realms and lands,

Who now want strength to stir their hands,

Where from their pulpits seal’d with dust

They preach, ‘In greatness is no trust.’

Here’s an acre sown indeed

With the richest royallest seed

That the earth did e’er suck in

Since the first man died for sin:

Here the bones of birth have cried -

‘Though gods they were, as men they died.’

Here are sands, ignoble things,

Dropt from the ruin’d sides of kings:

Here’s world of pomp and state

Buried in dust, once dead by fate.

2011-02-27T09:04:00.001+08:00

I'm thankful for experiences.

It's been a rather packed week, especially with MusicFest on Friday and Band Orientation on Sat. But also a really enjoyable one too, in different respects.

BB's MusicFest third was honestly unexpected, and I don't think we went in with any expectations, since we practised the least out of all the houses (it was particularly pressurising having to coordinate all the perc instrus because I knew how much all the other houses were practising!!) and had like, the least qualified/able arranger ><. But the players' musicality made up for all of that, and we pulled through. I'm proud of us, for coming together for this short stint and having fun making music together. Hope everyone enjoyed themselves, really :D Yay BB! *bursts into short display of enthusiastic house spirit*

Band Orientation was also really well done - I think I enjoyed it even more than our own J1 orientation (though of course, context was slightly different). It was a nice end to a tiring week, and I felt like I could just let down my hair and have some simple, good fun with people I treasure. A huge thanks to the comm for their planning! :D and to everyone, for... just being such great CCA mates to have.

but now I see

2011-02-17T22:41:00.000+08:00

strayed long and far, forgotten pining

seen, sought with love unfailing

found

lifted from despair

given friends who love and care

hoping

You who restores my soul

be Thou my sole

desire

His foolishness is wiser than our wisdom

2011-02-04T16:50:00.002+08:00

Penned some thoughts earlier this morning; thought I'd share them, that it might be of encouragement if you're feeling the same way :)

-

I was running away, yesterday, I think. Now that I look back, I was tired of everything in life being so 'spiritual' - unconsciously I think I'd reached a point where I could've said, just let me live like a normal teenager, and forget about God. I was tempted to think that being a Christian makes things so complicated - always gotta pray, to deny myself, to always consider first what God's will is, to care and bear wither others in love, to consider everything a loss even though that everything is what almost everyone else lives for... It's so tiring to go into school, day in, day out (six times a week, haha) and be confronted with that same picture and having to remember to keep looking beyond that. Everyone's striving for 4As, for perfect CCA records (even if that means doing dishonest and dumb things like going for CIP for the hours), to be in teachers' good books, to do what they need to go where they want to go. Strangely, it's tempting, the sound of it - why? perhaps because it means I'm (rather, I think that I am) in control, of my future, which we all fear precisely because it is uncertain.

And in truth it actually is uncertain, no matter how hard we try. We think we are in control and make plans, when in fact we are no different from the rich fool in Luke 12:11-21, who says to himself, "You have plenty of good things laid up for many years. Take life easy; eat, drink and be merry." "But God said to him, 'You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?' This is how it will be with anyone who stores up things for himself but is not rich toward God." (Luke 12:19-21)

To want to go my own way, to follow the ways of the world, is simply being foolish - so much striving for pleasures and attempts to be in control of what we cannot really be, when all this is temporary. We plan for the future but don't plan for eternity. For who is in control of whether they can take their next breath? get out of bed the next day? It is the Almighty Creator who gives us life and breath. It's not even about taking a 'different' perspective: no, this is a question of truth. It's about facing the reality of our human condition; it's about facing the reality that God exists and that He made us for a reason

- and what a glorious reality that is! one which frees us from all fears and enables us to have peace. A peace that isn't merely the absence of fear and troubles, but a peace that is deep within that endureth, because it is rooted in the everlasting, unchanging God. Our chains are gone and we are set free, free to live and enjoy the goodness of the Lord, for if we walk in obedience, we can be reassured that He will work all things for the good of those who love Him.

"Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him." (Ps 34:8)

A year on

2011-01-12T22:00:00.001+08:00

So today marks granny's first death anniversary. Our dinner out was surprisingly pleasant, although we didn't tell grandpa that it was also mom's birthday.

Well, wrote this one year back. It's always moving to remember God's goodness.

Time flies. It's interesting to see ourselves walking around in the Year 5s' shoes just a year back. How things have changed.

Moving forward

2011-01-07T20:25:00.004+08:00

:D^:D (haha)

Band's starting again, and I'm already looking forward to it!

It's time leave behind the guilt and the regret. Yes, be humbled. But know that it's sincere only insofar as it gets channeled into positive action. It's time to move on.

"Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on..." (Phil 3:13b-14a)

Another year is dawning

2010-12-31T20:02:00.001+08:00

Psalm 103

1 Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

6 The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.

7 He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:
8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
15 As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
17 But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD’s love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children’s children—
18 with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.

19 The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.

20 Praise the LORD, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.
21 Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.
22 Praise the LORD, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.

Praise the LORD, O my soul.

---

I can't quite believe 2010's over. No wonder the psalmist in Psalm 90:12 prays, "teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom". And again in Eph 5:15-16 we are reminded to "be very careful, then, how [we] live - not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil".

In view of this I'm unspeakably thankful for the Baptist Youth Leaders Camp that was held from 27-30 Dec, which I had the privilege of attending. I was, truthfully, very hesitant about going initially - my sense of inadequacy with regards to whether I'm worthy of being a 'baptist youth leader' aside, I'd barely know anyone there, and was reluctant at the thought of having to spend the last few days of the year socializing.

But my fears were completely unfounded, and the Lord blessed me greatly. I was renewed and refreshed in my love and desire, and encouraged in my walk. Learnt many things. Most of all, I was blessed by His own presence. Man's chief purpose is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever - I was especially reminded of the "enjoy Him forever" part. Truly, in His presence is "fullness of joy" and "pleasures forevermore" (Ps 16:11, ESV). :D

I would write more if not for watchnight service which we're headed to in a few minutes. But I'll try to make time to write and share some of what happened, soon.

As we stand at the threshold of this new year - a new year of life that we've been blessed with - let us make it our highest calling and deepest joy to put God first and above all in our lives. Great is Thy faithfulness :)

Happy 2011!

2010-12-27T01:15:00.002+08:00

“Dearest,” said Aslan very gently, “you and your brother will never come back to Narnia.”

“Oh, Aslan!!” said Edmund and Lucy both together in despairing voices.

“You are too old, children,” said Aslan, “and you must begin to come close to your own world now.”

“It isn’t Narnia, you know,” sobbed Lucy. “It’s you. We shan’t meet you there. And how can we live, never meeting you?”

“But you shall meet me, dear one,” said Aslan.

“Are are you there too, Sir?” said Edmund.

“I am,” said Aslan. “But there I have another name. You must learn to know me by that name. This was the very reason why you were brought to Narnia, that by knowing me here for a little, you may know me better there.”

- (C. S. Lewis, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader.
Italics added.)

On things above

2010-12-27T00:30:00.004+08:00

Merry Christmas! God's love and peace be with you.

Over the past few days I've been struggling with disobedience and unfaithfulness much more so than normal... I was shocked by and ashamed of how short-tempered I've become these few days: how joyless, unloving, irritable, judgmental, and not self-controlled at all - getting mad/annoyed about stuff I normally wouldn't ever be. Guess I've been quite confused, and not really grounded in reality nor God's word? if that makes sense. And in a way it's a vicious cycle because when I recognize my unfaithfulness, I tend to just let the guilt/shame stand in the way, and end up drifting even further away.

So finally this morning I sat myself down and decided to be honest before the Lord, identify what exactly I've not been obeying Him in, and confess/repent. Came to a point of brokenness at the realization of the weight of my sin. I looked for reassurance. And came across this -

"Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water." (Heb 10:19-23)

It's really so true that Scripture is living and active. Reading His Word lifted me up just like that. I thank God so for forgiveness, for the blood of Jesus that washes away our guilty stains. Truly, what a love! what a cost! That we may stand, forgiven, at the cross.

I was also very refreshed by this morning's sermon. Thank God for speaking, and for helping me to listen.

(1) To know what I believe. What I know cannot possibly - must not - not make a difference in the way I live. Because it matters.

(2) To anticipate our resurrection body. "The body that is sown is perishable, it is raised imperishable; it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power; it is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body." (1 Cor 15:42-44). For on that day what is perishable and mortal will be clothed with the imperishable and immortality! (1 Cor 15:54) Oh, happy day, when we shall our sinful bodies no longer have, and be able to live in the presence of the Holy, holy, holy God.
And not only that, but also to anticipate Christ's coming / our return. I [we] should be enamored, consumed, by a longing for the life that is to come; a heavenly perspective of setting our minds and hearts on "things above, not on earthly things" (Col 3:1-2). As C.S. Lewis supposedly put it, those who make the most difference in this life spend the most time thinking about the next.

(3) To live in victory. Death has lost its sting. "But thanks be to God! He gives us victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." (1 Cor 15:57). Indeed, Christ has freed us from the bondage of sin that we might "have life, and have it to the full" (Jn 10:10). Oh to grace how great a debtor I'm daily constrained to be. Let Thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee. I desire to forsake my sinful, self-centered ways; Lord, let me start anew: may this week be different.

Praise be to the LORD God Almighty, the God who is Love, who sits enthroned on His throne of grace. All glory and honour be to Him forever and ever!

A quick update

2010-12-11T22:20:00.001+08:00

It's been an eventful past few weeks, with our Laos Overseas Enrichment trip, YF P6 overnighter, and then a family holiday to Fraser's Hill in quick succession. Am currently attending the JC Band Fest with 7 other batchies, which is pretty cool - 4 [intensive] days of practices and then a concert at the Esplanade! :D

.

Separately. I need perspective, and much discipline to tide me through this. I’m honestly in absolutely no frame of mind to do anything academic-related or at all. I've lost interest. It presently seems so meaningless, and an essentially empty pursuit… maybe not just academic-related, but rather anything work-related. :(

Please help me, Lord – help me not to compartmentalize things like this. For I know that all of life is spiritual. All of life is worship (Rom 12:1); this worship should even overflow into the work that I am called to do on this earth. All of life is to be lived unto the glory of God. Work isn’t supposed to distract us from what life is all about. It doesn’t [necessarily] pull us away from what’s most important. No, on the contrary, work is from You and we are to do it for Your glory (Col 3:23). This is our lot on earth. It is a loss (Phil 3:8), but that should only increase our hope. It may be suffering, but that is nothing compared to the glory that will be revealed to us in time to come (Rom 8:18). And therefore I should bear it with joy.

Senior 1 girls outing

2010-11-19T01:30:00.002+08:00

4. Senior1 girls outing

14 Nov saw us having fun and heading out for an outing. Initially we'd hoped to go ECP, but it rained, so we watched a movie - just as well.

The amount of phototaking we did was quite crazy :P But it was fun. Nonetheless, I've omitted all the silliest of sillies, and only included the few sane looking ones we had.

We:

Ate lunch. Mm mm Pastamania.

Tried to cram 7 people into a self-taken photo in the middle of J8.

Admired toy machine thingums.

Watched a movie.

Batch outing

2010-11-19T01:14:00.003+08:00

3. Batch outing

On 12 Nov we headed down to ECP and had a good time walking, cycling and all :)

It's a pity we only had one photo of the entire bunch who went, but ah well, there's always a next time :)

Bran and Nat (names truncated to er, protect privacy? Haha :D) learned to cycle! Within the short span of 2 hours. Sadly our SB didn't get to join the rest as we were with them, but ah well, t'was worth it! Am so proud of both of them :)

>|P goes Brandon.

I really love my batch.

Project Work over!

2010-11-19T01:08:00.005+08:00

2. Project Work

PW finally finally ended on 8 Nov with our OP. Whee!

Am so thankful for my group. I think we were rather courageous in attempting a topic so fluffy, so elusive, so - generally hard to find evidence and hard lines of argument for. Culture and tourism may not have been the smartest choices. But hey, it turned out to be the only such project in our entire school! Haha, and I think we did actually learn from (and enjoy) the experience. And for that, I'm thankful.

Amanda Daron Nikki you guys were a fantastic group to have! Thank you :D

MasterLife 1&2

2010-11-19T00:12:00.011+08:00

A number of memorable events have passed in the past few weeks, and it's rather sad to let life fly by like that. I'd like to make at least make some sort of record of them! So here goes. :)

1. MasterLife 1&2 (Aug-Nov)

MasterLife culminated on Nov 6 with a testimony sharing. I’m really grateful for how much I’ve grown and learnt these past few months – (months!) through MasterLife. It's been a challenging few ones, especially since it meant following through during our intensive pre-/promos period. But I'd say that all my initial concerns went unfounded, and I learned far beyond anything I expected or imagined (which admittedly wasn't much). Learned - not so much in terms of head knowledge, because much of it was already there, but more so in the other sense; crystallized important truths and framed them and explained them with clarity. It is with gladness of heart that I thank and praise God once again for His goodness!

It seems quite unbelievable that just 3 months ago we were as good as acquaintances, at best. And now I would count some good friends; and all, brothers and sisters in Christ whom I love. Adeline, Christianne, Clarissa, Faith, Marianne, Xu Jie, Zachary, [Joshua, Weihan,] what can I say? Thank you all so much for your love and encouragement and prayer! I wouldn't have been able to go through it without you all.

(Okay, I am evidently a sucker for photos :P)

Part of my sunday school class: some of the Senior 1 girls/guys. Thank you all for being there every week, and for coming!

Finally, those who came for the sharing. Thank you for coming, and for - in so many ways - your support. It's really heartwarming to know that none of us are alone in this journey and (I daresay) fight of faith.

Fresh faith

2010-11-10T22:21:00.001+08:00

Thus far I have desired and striven and prayed and longed that I will be faithful. I think it is important, and all very well.

But suddenly I've come to realize that that is only half the story. I have neglected something even more important: which is to be faith-full. For being full of faith suddenly shifts the dependence from self to God, alone, and completely. Being full of faith means recognizing that on my own, I simply cannot - I am a new creation, yes, but my sinful self remains - and it is only with the Spirit's constant filling and cleansing that I am able to be who I should be. Being faith-filled means remembering God's promises, His everlasting faithfulness and throne of grace, and from there finding grace and strength to persevere to the end.

Translating that from talk to walk, I think on a deep and fundamental level I need to learn to trust and have simple faith so much more. Okay, I'll face it: I am a huge worrier by nature, a very thorough planner, and take pride/find assurance in working things out to the last minute detail. I like knowing things are under [my] control, neatly planned out from start to finish, oh, and did I mention, I always make sure I've got backup plans A, B, and C too! It is often a lack of faith that leads me to fret, lose perspective, get enticed by the world, doubt the greater and lasting treasure that we find in Christ, limits what God can do in and through my life, and probably frustrates Him very much.

In terms of striking that delicate balance of living wisely and making decisions in line with His will, I need to also have more faith. I need to believe with all my heart and mind and soul that my purpose in living is for Him.. not simply that, it is my joy, my privilege, my cross, and the only life worth living - the way things were meant to be! for we were made for Him. And if I should seek His kingdom and righteousness first, He will provide everything I need. Yes, that includes results. He knows the results I need to get to go where He wants me to go and be who He wants me to be. So why do I fear? I need to earnestly pray and wait on Him, believing that He is going to show me the way to go, especially since at this juncture so many forks in the road lie ahead. For He promises, "Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know." (Jer 33:3)

"And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him." (Hebrews 11:6)

2010-11-09T22:53:00.001+08:00

Yes. I'm challenged. I'm convicted. But where do I go from here? And also, who with? Why is it so lonely at times? At the risk of sounding presumptuous, it is hard to find others who are willing. But on that count I should rest in your all-sufficiency. Either way, I ought to remember that I am a pilgrim and follower, with a straight and narrow path set before me. All I need to do is to stick to that path and persevere. And then things I know I should change. Yes, I know you provide for all our needs. I know that you can do immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine. So I should not worry. So I should firmly set my priorities in place and and live for what really matters. Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. I believe that. Yet I am weak and fallible. Prone to wander, prone to leave the God I love. Won't you keep me faithful? Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it. Seal it for Thy courts above.

2010-10-29T22:30:00.003+08:00

Well well, another week's coming to an end. Time really flies. Haha, I thought I should afford a more light-hearted post: I know I tend to err on the side of seriousness, for better or worse!

I know it's not much of an achievement for most, but anyhow it probably is for one who ran 2.4km less than ten times (um, including NAPFA) throughout sec school - managed to run 5+km today! After finally, finally recovering from a two week long bout of flu. It sucks to be sick, and I don't know why I've fallen sick so many times this year. (Or maybe I do. But okay, that will change, working on it!)

It's super cool to jam with my siblings, whom I think are really talented. Both have only played whatever they play for a number of months, and they're of considerable standard already. I have a semi-wild dream for us/our family? to cut a CD someday. As it is we've already gotten invited to play together at EKC (alright, alright, admittedly, invited by my mom...) Haha, let's see if that eventually works out. Though I don't think I'll be able to manage formally playing a third instrument; the guitar, that is.

Speaking of which, I recently realized that I turn instinctively to different instruments for different purposes.

The flute goes inextricably with band, and I reach for it whenever I feel like training myself to do something more technical, or to boldly sing a wordless, lilting melody line. Still I struggle a fair bit with it, and I still get the sense that I'm subject to its control rather than it to mine.

The piano is something much dearer, much more heartfelt, and known more intimately; probably simply because I've been blessed to have played it since young, notwithstanding the lack of formal training until much later on. It does present a bridge between myself and the rich world of classical music, which I appreciate greatly but am not very well-versed in. It's also - perhaps more importantly - free expression, I suppose, which is just wonderful, being able to play anything (though, whether well, is another question altogether), and I really thank God for that.

Drums, are just - haha, for fun; I'm a mess at it, and still figuring out how to hit things properly.

The guitar is interesting. Strangely enough, it's the guitar, not the piano, which I find myself increasingly drawn to, when I want to sing (not necessarily literally, of course); to sit in a quiet corner, playing softly. Maybe it's just less expected, so more focus on everything that hasn't got to do with the music itself?

Ah, Chinese A levels in 3 days. 硬着头皮闯过去！

Okay. This post is a bit too discomfortingly blithe (the first part, at least)!

seeking the life that is truly life

2010-10-28T22:46:00.003+08:00

Six plus weeks - and yet another journal's been filled (that's, on average, nearly 3 pages a day?!). I don't normally reread them, but on a sudden impulse I took it out after school today, and started looking through the compilation of dearly and privately held scribbles from the past month and a half, of things learnt, impressed, prayed, resolved, desired, thought, felt. I couldn't help but marvel at how rich and full the life lived with an awareness and pursuing of God is; at how He has been upholding me and walking with me all the way; at how He has been changing and working in and through and around me.

How blessed it is to know the Saviour.

Yes, all else is but loss, compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ (Phil 3:8). Yes, loss. It is a loss, because all our striving is in vain, whether for more apparently selfish worldly pleasures, or (even!) the seemingly nobler goals of perfection and goodness. Nothing that we do, have, or are, will survive the test of time. It is a loss, because these will all day come to pass, and be no more.

It is only in light of knowing the one true God, that we not only look, but see; not only listen, but hear; and take hold of the life that is truly life (1 Tim 6:18-19). It is only in light of knowing and living for Him that life can be undergirded by a hope, meaning, and purpose, that endures forever.

I pray that you, dear friend, will know Him. God loves you and created you to love Him! But in each choice to do wrong, we sin, and alas, simply cannot be but separated from the Holy God. Because of our sins we cannot be but condemned. Yet there is hope: God so loved us that He sent His Son to die for us, that we might be saved from our sins and [spiritual] death. We need only confess our sins, accept Christ's freely-given gift of salvation and eternal life, and say yes to God!

And I pray that you, dear brother or sister, will be challenged, and that you will realize how radical the Christian life actually is! to forsake all; to deny oneself, take up one's cross daily, and follow Christ (Luke 9:23); to set one's heart and mind on things above, not earthly things (Col 3:1-2). Yet that you will do so with joy, for this is the life of victory (through Christ); the life that is real and has eternal meaning to it; the only life that is worth living.

For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen. (Rom 11:36)

Simply to the cross I cling

2010-10-24T18:16:00.003+08:00

Walking home nowadays from the bus stop gives me a very keen sense of my – and our – mortality. LTA’s started work on the Downtown MRT line at our place already, which means that the once breathtaking scenery (lush greenery set against a broad expanse of lovely blue) has turned into an orange-scape of barriers, tall thingumachines, and a general sense of muted… grayness (for want of a better word), overall. The pavements have thinned out in both directions thanks to all that construction, so it means vehicles zooming past a metre (or less) away from me whenever I walk down. Which can be Quite unnerving. It doesn’t help that a sign along the road proudly proclaims “No safety, no life” in a stark white-on-blue, no-nonsense Arial typeface. It’s supposed to be a reassurance from the construction company in question. I think.

Life really is so fragile.

On that note – I always ought to take a step back. Or a hundred, if I could!

.

I was reading Psalm 37 yesterday morning. It was such a blessed assurance, and I was told exactly what I needed to hear. Oh that I might be righteous and steadfast!

v23-24 stood out: “If the LORD delights in a man’s way, he makes his steps firm; though he stumble, he will not fall, for the LORD upholds him with his hand.” The fear of failing (Him, and consequently, of course, myself) is something that frequently plagues me, and this has been particularly so recently – CCA and results come quickly to mind, now.

But He has not only called me to be faithful. He also promises to keep me faithful.

Thus God’s glory is not contingent upon my succeeding. Thanks be to God that He is far greater than that!

.

Two nights ago (after yet another somewhat painful experience), just before I went to bed, this was brought to mind, and it proved to be of great encouragement:

“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” (Heb 12:11)

If any of you are facing similar circumstances… I urge you to press on! For the harvest of righteousness and peace will come.

.

I was reflecting on some things during Masterlife today, and am deeply concerned about the way I am managing my life in terms of responsibilities and commitments. Yes, it troubles me that even though lessons aren’t going on proper and CCA has yet to resume, I’m barely able to find enough time… not just to worry about my work, but also to worry about the things of God.

I earnestly hope that the week to come will be a prayerful one.

Was deeply moved playing this song yesterday at band prac.

Of choices and joy

2010-10-17T23:43:00.008+08:00

The Lord is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. (Psalm 118:14)

Late last year I decided, in all seriousness, that I didn't want to take on anything in JC, and focus on God and what basic responsibilities I'd already have (i.e. academics); to love my friends, spend time with them, encourage them; to serve in church. To just live a simple, quiet, godly life.

Ten months on, it seems as if I've just let slip of that, so easily. I didn't want to let things come close to being this way, but they have again.

Earlier this week I was just really thankful that joy is not a feeling, but rather, a choice, a lifestyle. And as a sermon I listened to over the week put it - "joy celebrates the forward progress of the gospel of Jesus Christ". And here's the thing: everything is an opportunity for the forward progress of the gospel (and praise God for that!) because nothing happens without purpose. So we can always have joy.

-

On hindsight it's been a spiritually dryer week (dryer weeks?) for me, but that I only just reflected on this shows I've changed. I'm thankful - I think, it's for the better? I've stopped seeing my spiritual as a graph of any sort, charting the highs and lows, the mountains and valleys. It used to get me down a lot - I'd be frustrated over failures, failings and so forth.

But now... I'd say life is a journey - even more so, a pilgrimage, down the narrow path, made with eager expectation of the incomparable crown of glory that awaits the faithful at the end.

Sometimes it's just so overwhelming, the number of ways in which I recognize I need to change. For one it seems too much for me to even dare to face it. Overwhelming also in that as much as I want to often I just find that I - can't. I simply can't bring myself to. I know that is my weak, sinful nature.

Just as Paul puts it in Romans 7:

So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am!

Yet, he continues:

Who will rescue me from this body of death?

Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!

Therein lies the answer. Yes, that is why Christ came! Thanks be to God.

I was reading this some weeks back, and it rang so true. Often Christians find the cross - which we are told to carry, daily (Luke 9:23) - a burden. Don't we? I think all too often we perceive "seeking God" as a responsibility, rather than a privilege; a burden, rather than a joy. Even worse - we do not bother seeking God at all: He is hardly our "all in all", but merely One whom we tag on to our purposes and plans. "Bless what I do," we pray. But how about, "Let me do what You bless"?

Evangelist has this to say to Christian in The Pilgrim's Progress, when he finds that Christian has wandered off the "strait and narrow" path, after heeding The Worldly Wiseman's advice on how to be freed from the burden on his shoulders without having to continue his challenging, perilous journey:

Secondly, Thou must abhor his laboring to render the cross odius unto thee; for thou art to prefer it before the treasures of Egypt. Besides, the King of glory hath told thee, that he that will save his life shall lose it. And that he that comes after him, and hates not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be his disciple. I say, therefore, for a man to labor to persuade thee that that shall be thy death, without which, the truth hath said, thou canst not have eternal life, this doctrine thou must abhor.

- John Bunyan, The Pilgrim's Progress (italics added)

The joy of the Lord is my strength. (Neh 8:10)

A great high priest whose name is Love

2010-10-12T22:56:00.000+08:00

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin. (Hebrews 4:15)

Jesus lived the life I could not live. He lived the life without sin.
Jesus died the death I should have died. He died the death for sin.
Jesus rose to give the grace of salvation that I could not afford.
Jesus takes my sin and gives me the righteousness I could not know.

Life's rapidly picked up its pace once more. But I will yet praise Him, my Saviour and my God. I pray for grace, to run that race for You.

(Sometimes I dream of playing the piano/keyboard for a living. And like, join a band and record Christian music professionally - not for that per se, but beyond that, the potential it has to influence and inspire. That would be way cool.)

2010-10-09T16:35:00.002+08:00

Am listening to our SIBF recordings, and can't help but smile. I really miss band. And despite everything (...haha, I dreamt a few days back of being furiously scolded and torn quite mercilessly to pieces - I mean the latter figuratively of course. By _ - well, what can I say. And woke up in a very cold sweat!) I know I'm so very grateful for it, and nothing will change that.

I realized I really ought to push aside the mess/mass of admin work and such. Which have, over the past few months, come to unpleasantly obscure the sweet essence of it all. I want to come back to what band really is and has always been about, for me, for us.

It's about music, yes, but more than that, it's about unity, humility, and striving for perfection. It's about a relentless passion. It's about love for each other and for what we do. It's about a vision of reaching something higher, something that transcends our differences; and in this our minds can tend towards the same singular point. It is this one dream that brings us together and moves us forward.

Have also been listening to next year's SYF piece... ho ho, it's going to be hard. But we can take the challenge. I know we can.

2010-10-08T23:50:00.005+08:00

A couple of thought bubbles from the past week:

Mon

Got to meet two special people for lunch and a meaningful time of sharing :)

And yet another special group of people for pool… and Yamaha music shop browsing. O.o. Goodness, it’s very interesting what band can turn people into! How is it possible, plausible, even, that a bunch of rowdy seventeen year olds might actually find it fun to head down to a music shop and spend an hour (the day they finish their exams) there browsing scores and cooing over shiny instruments? Haha, that's one thing I love about band. I'm really thankful for our batch, too :)

Tues

I decided, after going down to the Methodist School of Music twice (yeah), and a long debate with myself, that I’m not going to take up piano lessons again after all, as much as I want(ed) to. Not now, at least; it’s not the right time.

Wed

There is much that disturbs me about the present way I’m living my life. Am I really living as a ‘pilgrim in this barren land’? Enraptured by an overwhelming hope?

Fri

I need courage to face up to my own weaknesses. And move on.

I find that it seems as though each week the challenges that I’m thrown have an uncanny way of being very related to the Masterlife theme for that week. This week’s being master your emotions. Hm.

It’s hard, but in the broader sense of things, it’s interesting. And cool. I’m thankful for my Father’s love.

And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.”
(Hebrews 12:5-6)

seventeen finally

2010-09-20T23:00:00.002+08:00

One fine day, I came happily back from church; late, because of Masterlife -

and WAS AMBUSHED! (note: number of balloons :o)

I was immediately set to finding incriminating self-portraits of myself set in the most unglamorous of positions. Hur hur, all that designing for the Queen and Co. has made a certain Two People very sneakily good at doing things of that sort. But *musters self control* I will refrain from exposing them! ;)

:D I love the colour tones of this photo.

Thank you so much, you all, for making precious time, and for orchestrating the wonderful surprise! Even though it was just a week before promos started, when the Mad Mugging season had well commenced :)

The aftermath: one hundred and ten balloons. 110!!!
(I think last year for Keyun's surprise, Yujia and I huffed and puffed to make 16 in time. :p
*correction: I huffed and puffed; Yujia was my loyal cheerleader.)

I've felt like a little kid living in a ball pit since then. In a good way. Only that poor mom's been having a hard time mopping the floor. Over the past two weeks she's been religiously distributing them in church and to the neighbours, but alas, there are still a number of them hovering around here and there ;D

-

And to everyone who sent well-wishes through various means - whether face-to-face, over SMS, or over facebook - if you see this, thank you again!

P.S. This is a bit of a backdated post - so let me add, promos have finally concluded (thus the late post).

because He lives, I can face tomorrow

2010-09-15T22:30:00.001+08:00

"So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised ... my righteous one will live by faith." (Heb 10:35-38)

Confidence that I'm not alive for the sole purpose of scoring As in my exams, nor to have an excellent CV, nor (presumably) to secure myself a good career in the future and thus (supposedly) happiness. (For all that is fleeting and comes to pass. And when we fast-forward down the race track of life - past A levels, past college, past working, past marriage, past family, past mid-life, past the ripe old years, past retirement, past all that we have wanted and dared to dream to be - then, what?
Then all that matters will be what endures forever. Not that it's not important to enjoy life, but it is of fundamentally greater importance to enjoy what is truly life.)

Confidence that this is worth it.

Confidence that there is a wonderful reality beyond that. And not a cold reality at that, but one that is filled with love and warmth and hope. Not a reality that suppresses, but one that liberates. Not a reality that anticipates impending death with dread and in so doing represses the joy of living, but a reality that rejoices with a recognition of the truth and the purpose-full-ness of life.

Confidence that the Lord is my strength and my song, He is my salvation.

Confidence that Jesus is more than sufficient, who is able to do "more than all we ask or imagine" (Eph 3:20).

Confidence that someday, as I cross that river, as death gives way to victory, I'll see the light of glory, and I'll know that He lives.

-

If I really believe that all Scripture is God-breathed and is eternal, then yes, this is His word to me.

So take it to heart.

So live by faith.

For faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

-

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." (Luke 9:23)

made to worship

2010-09-12T21:00:00.000+08:00

Before the day
Before the light
Before the world revolved around the sun
God on high
Stepped down into time
And wrote the story of His love for everyone

He has filled our hearts with wonder
So that we always remember

You and I were made to worship
You and I are called to love
You and I are forgiven and free
You and I embrace surrender
You and I choose to believe
You and I will see who we were meant to be

All we are
And all we have
Is all a gift from God that we receive
Brought to life
We open up our eyes
To see the majesty and glory of the King

And even the rocks cry out
And even the Heavens shout
At the sound of His holy name
So let every voice sing out
And let every knee bow down
He is worthy of all our praise

-

Today's lesson on David, 1 Samuel 23, had some interesting learning points, with one in particular standing out.

David inquired of the Lord once (and this was his immediate response) as to whether to attack the Philistines and save Keilah (v2). The Lord tells him to "go" (v2). But David's 400 men, whom we discover from the previous chapter were men in distress, in discontent, or in debt (hardly your best fighting men) who joined him, profess their fear. They are afraid because they are presently being pursued by Saul ("here in Judah we are afraid") and "how much more, then, if we go to Keilah against the Philistine forces!" (v3). David's response? "Once again David inquired of the Lord, and the Lord answered him, 'Go down to Keilah, for I am going to give the Philistines into your hand.' " (v4) So they go to Keilah, fight the Philistines, triumph, and save the people of Keilah.

I was very impressed by how much David took God's word to heart. I realize that so often I worry and ask God, "will ___ really be so?" (say, "is denying myself, taking up my cross daily, and following You really worth it?" - I mean I know it is, but still.) And over and over, He reassures me - through speaking to me, through His word, through prayer, through friends, through fellow Christians - that His promises are sure and I can stand firm in them. Yet I ask him again, and again, and again... and again, which is pretty telling of my lack of trust, if nothing else. Yet thanks be to God that despite my lack of faith, His faithfulness endures; so rich is His love for us.

-

I'm amazed, once again. I still don't know what to make of some things, especially how bewilderingly strange it is to hear someone speak your mind, thoughts and feelings you have guarded as your own. I do know, though, that today's talking and sharing with C, C, M, Z after Masterlife was really encouraging. And this is really another answer to prayer, the sweetness of exhorting each other and spurring each other on to love and good deeds (Heb 10:24-25). Granted, it is imperfect and only beginning amongst these friends, but is that not even more exciting? I only hope it lasts. But then again, even if it doesn't despite my best efforts (which I should make), I will trust God to provide. On a related note, I guess I should stop asking for more and give thanks for all that I do have, and also lean on His all-sufficiency.

2010-09-07T22:25:00.001+08:00

Some thoughts from yesterday/today:

(do I think in verse or prose, now? :p)

.

1. More than a conqueror because of God's unconditional, infinite love

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. ...
What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? ...
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:28-39

-- He said to me, clearly, that I. can. overcome.
So I finally lay down that heavy burden, full of a multitude of discouragements, to which I'd clung on so tightly and stubbornly.

.

2. T'was grace that taught my heart to fear, and grace my fears relieved

"Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."
Hebrews 4:14-16

-- I've never realized how beautiful that line (t'was grace...) is until we sang 'Amazing Grace' twice last Sunday.

-- What a throne. What grace. What comfort.

.

3. You are amazing, loving, and faithful, Lord

"When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power."
1 Corinthians 2:1-5

-- Until now I'm not sure what to say because I'm overwhelmed by how God brought things together this way - the phone call, your warmth, that still small voice that spoke and compelled and sent. It's not like these kind of things haven't happened before, but each time it is exciting and humbling? And... it was an answer to many prayers (and a variety of them. many secret cries that no one will ever know) in just a matter of a few hours.

-- And thank you for listening, trusting, and loving :)

.

4. Purity of thought, always

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things."
Philippians 4:8

-- So many impure, unrighteous thoughts and feelings. Hai.

.

5. Encouragement to persevere, with a sense of the divine

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men."
Colossians 3:23

-- It is so easy to complain. It's not so easy to be joyful, patient and persistent. It's even harder to do that, not simply despite it but even... because of'it.

.

Go - bear the disgrace

2010-08-29T19:01:00.000+08:00

Hebrews 13:12-14
"And so Jesus also suffered outside the city gate to make the people holy through his own blood. Let us, then, go to him outside the camp, bearing the disgrace he bore. For here we do not have an enduring city, but we are looking for the city that is to come."

1. That it should not passive acceptance but active seeking: of disgrace. Only one word escaped my lips – how?

2. Am I willing to give up my popularity, give up my fitting in, give up my acceptance by others, to bear disgrace? To go outside the camp – outside the city where everyone is – but where Jesus alone is.

2010-08-27T22:57:00.001+08:00

It's gonna be a somewhat marathon weekend. To begin with, I practised about 12 songs today :O Not to mention work, even.

Learning many things, which I am thankful for. Yet I feel it falling through my fingers like sand - I can barely even begin building my pretty sandcastle. I cup my hands to retain as much precious truth as I can, but it can be so hard. It's like 力不从心 in a slightly different sense. I don't know how to live it out in actuality.

Today during Hist we were talking about Fukuyama's "end of history" claim, that all societies will in the long run tend towards western liberal democracy (and thus the history of democracy vs other forms of government will end), which our group pointed out was problematic because it was unfalsifiable. Mr R suddenly said, "Ah, that's rather like God, right? You can never know it is true until you get to the end. Be atheist!"

(This is kinda random, btw, I just can't contain it.)

I started, and just caught myself from arguing back (maybe I should have - but the debaters prove a consistent psychological intimidation). That assumes that God's reality can only be confirmed in the future, that His reality is not presently compelling: but that's hardly true. Past and present experience proves so clearly otherwise. I know in the depths of my mind, heart, soul, and with all that I am, that God is undisputably real, and that my faith is not in vain.

It is not a question of existence, probability, or possibility. It is a simple question of whether or not we want to see the reality.

Hard lessons

2010-08-08T00:38:00.002+08:00

After 2 weeks of being sick, I thought I'd finally get better - but well, life has its way of teaching you lessons. So over the couse of yesterday afternoon, I went down with a high fever and flu - was so weak I couldn't even get up from the sofa yesterday evening. Which left me quite desperate (though lacking the energy to worry) because Fri/Sat/Sun, I knew, was to be busy with activities and deadlines (PW + band + REACT planning + worship leading + planning retreat + Caleb's concert + church + Masterlife), and I couldn't afford to fall sick.

It was quite funny, just that morning I'd penned down a resolution to sleep earlier. Logically good intentions ought to be rewarded, but anyway, I did fall sick. :p Well, I'm trusting there's some reason why I did, so I'll let go and be grateful. More rest, perhaps.

A few hard lessons:
1. I'm not as strong as I think I am.
2. I'm definitely not indispensible.
3. I need to be more responsible, have more self-control, re-prioritise, and sleep more.

Really pray I'll take these to heart. I know a lot of the problems I'm facing comes from a lack of sleep, so ><

-

Recovered sufficiently to go for the planning retreat. Fever subsided in the morning so I'd just enough time to do work. It came back again at about 10am, so I went to bed. At 1.30pm I got up, had lunch, took panadol, and it subsided again, just in time for me to head down ;) so that was good, I guess.

I was really touched by the many people who told me to take care, and the many who also said they'd pray for me ;) aww. I admire their compassion, and want to learn to do the same next time...

Haha I reached church and everyone was like, "Talia! Why are you here, I heard you're sick??" - "Aiyo, overworked is it?" - Oh dear :p

Went for ACSI's band concert too. Thank God I managed to last, on panadol and sleep - really wanted to go and support him. Good job K :) though I found that the band has lost quite a fair bit of its magic that I felt in its previous year's concert.

-

This week's mid-week scolding was hard to bear, and hurt a lot - probably the worst scolding I've ever gotten in my life. ): I think it's because I wasn't faulted for what I had done per se. Instead the accusations pertained to my character and my values... the very essence of who I consider myself to be. Which I hold far more dearly than results, or popularity, or positions, or many other things.

Post-mortem:
I guess I'm not going to take all that was said too severely, because my conscience is clean on many counts. And allowing myself to wallow in insecurity/hurt/disgrace is not the right way to go. One thing that was said that did make sense, though, was that what's past is past, and now what matters is how we move on from here.

A few hard lessons from the scolding:
1. No matter your intentions, how others interpret it also matter. In that way, it's not just about me/us.
2. I need to be more humble, more submissive, more understanding, more respectful; more patient, more loving, more kind.
3. Life is not fair, society is imperfect, and some things are just the way that they are. School is not the ideal world, and I must not be quite so naive and undiscerning anymore.
4. I'm not going to care so much about what others think about me. Being "nice" will not be more important than doing what's right; if both have to come into conflict, the latter must take priority.
5. I'm going to move on and not let myself be too crushed by this. Broken, yes, but after every breaking must come the healing.
6. Most importantly, I'm going to pray before each time I make any decisions, send any emails, send any SMSes, or go for any meetings. I'm going to pray that I'll love the people that I'm serving.

-

It's interesting. At the start of this week I asked that I might learn to abide in Christ, no matter what trials and challenges might come my way. And then this week proved to be a really trying one. It's interesting to see how God works when we ask and desire Him to. It's scary. But that's why we say we have faith.

John 15:5

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."

2010-08-02T23:04:00.002+08:00

When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like seas billows roll
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul

Haha just now I took a look at what I've been posting, and I'm honestly shocked (and I suppose shocked too at my honesty, for better or worse).

I think I'll be blogging less from now on. I'd rather build true relationships that count, and I'll know that those who bother taking an interest are the friends who truly care.

2010-07-28T23:57:00.002+08:00

We moved out of the Varese today. With it we leave behind years of history, of heritage, of things inexpressible in words. We leave behind a place that has been a warm fuzzy home to many of us amidst the occasionally cold impersonal white walls of RJC. We have moved on into a room called Hall Furniture Room 2 in the gallery of the RI Hall, a stuffy, smelly and dusty container that we've voluntarily spent nearly 10h over the past few days cleaning, scrubbing and attempting to make more inhabitable.

I'm honestly still quite hurt, frustrated, bloodied and bruised by this whole thing (not to mention exchange even) - why are they (she?) trying to fight us so?

But well, no point dwelling on it. Some battles cannot be won, no matter how valiantly we fight. The important thing, then, is to fight on for things that matter. Hopefully this 'moving on' will prove to be one that is for the better... (Ok, it will be, it will be.)

Really need to work on being more gracious, respectful, patient, and optimistic. I've found my natural temperament being stretched to breaking point over these past few weeks, having to deal with all this ludicrous nonsense, and also manage the general unhappiness with all this (although I must say our batch has been really great and relatively mature in handling it - I wouldn't ask for more). Moreover this naughty bout of illness and (in part consequent) exhaustion is making facing it all with a genuine smile and gentle confidence even harder. But I guess I am (trying to be) thankful for this experience also, because it is the challenges and trials of life, not the comforts, that see us grow in character. It is the fire that purifies: though it hurts and causes much agony in the process, one emerges more refined than before.

-

A lot of work to catch up on.

But, thank God for a Rock solid foundation. "From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I." (Psalm 61:2)

-

Also, we got back our results slip yesterday. I find myself looking at it with awed fascination and strange pensiveness at the same time.

Strange pensiveness in realizing that that was all there is to it: the concentration of our stresses and worries so often represented/embodied in that one sheet of A4 paper... there's really no point getting caught up in the wrong things and losing sight.

Awed fascination at God's blessings: not that my marks were brilliant. But it's not like I'm very smart or anything - this I know. And so I know that anything that I am or have is only from Him and for Him.

Definitely I have stumbled and fallen many times, this year. There's no denying that. But thanks be to God that He is slowly teaching me more about what it means to live for Him, and hasn't given up on me yet. Still, I remember the many times I privately worried and wondered if (trying to) living life radically for God would affect things - even though I know I shouldn't have. And yeah, the fact that I did (and let's face it, do) worry shows that there's a long way more to go.

But once again I have come to the certainty that there is nothing to fear nor worry about if God should be our first and true love. I thank God for affirming that through this experience in particular, but even if I do badly the next round despite having done my best, I will still say the same. For whether As or Cs, I will rest secure in Him, with a song of praise on my lips.

Oh, to seek first His kingdom and His righteousness!
I pray that that will be my heart's foremost desire, especially in the year to come, and more fundamentally, for the rest of my life.

the prayer on my lips

2010-07-26T23:02:00.002+08:00

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

courage to change the things I can,

and wisdom to know the difference.

RIWE :D

2010-07-24T23:53:00.000+08:00

[23 July]

RAFFLES INSTITUTION WIND ENSEMBLE – SIBF DIV 1 GOLD, 91%, 2ND PLACE! THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH :D Two months, we did it!!!

(And congrats too to RGSSB, 93%, 1st place! :)) part of our hearts still remain with you guys!)

*bounces up and down*

Thank you Lord, thank you so much. (:

-

[24 July]

Really sleepy but I think I should get some thoughts down before time bids memories slip out of my hands altogether - I never did get round to posting much on church camp even though it was such a momentous and meaningful one.

My personal experience of SIBF itself was tainted badly by my individual performance. I'll face it: I played badly. Couldn't hit many notes, especially the high high Bflats that haunted nearly half of the last page of the score. Was quite ): about it for a while, and I'm sorry; but I knew that in a way it couldn't have been helped. By the time we were onstage my lips were so dry and my voice/throat so hoarse from having shouted and yelled at the band during the few hours leading up to the competition. It sucks to know that I didn't manage to play close to what I normally can, but oh well, after a while, I figured there was no point in berating myself too much. It couldn't exactly have been helped, much.

But thankfully band is more than the self. The language changes, and that a reflection of the perspective. 'Your' becomes 'our', 'I' becomes 'we', and 'you's must truly melt away to form 'us', before the band can play as one. That happened in RIWE. Even if only gradually, arduously, over those one-plus months we had together. But it happened - that sense of unity and drive. :)

And while it might not have been our best, I think that we gave our best effort. Maybe not from the beginning, but ultimately, yes. And hey, the recordings actually sound pretty decent :D

Many thanks to tons of people.

RJCSB batch'11. A batch like no other, of wonderful people who love and care, who look beyond and beneath. Enough said (:

Seniors, who've invested much time in guiding us all this while, the many who have stood by us all the way (be it literally or figuratively - both very much appreciated).

At the risk of sounding exclusive I must give special mention to the flutes and oboe(s?) :) Thought each one of them did remarkably well, and I don't mean just during the competition but much more importantly, prior to it. It was really a delight to practice and play with them, probably the best experience I've had playing with a flutes section. They were also so sweet and obliging and attentive during the few sectionals just before SIBF, despite their sheer lengthiness and how tiring it must have been. (Oh! And I finally managed to happily satisfy my long-time curiousity as to how it was like being an SL, having the ability to influence the section's music. It can be surprisingly so... fulfilling.)

Thank you Mr Oura, who's just brilliantly passionately dedicated, and a patient, very inspirational conductor to have.

Thank you RIWE :)

Thank you Lord.

More thoughts on the SIBF experience and results in general, another time.
For now, sleep beckons.

I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow, despite the many burdens it naturally brings (especially schoolwork wise, am lagging behind). Am excited about serving in the band again, actually, haven't played for a month! I miss the keyboard haha.

And more fundamentally - a new day to start afresh, a new day to live, a new day to love. :)

[2]

2010-07-21T23:49:00.001+08:00

Two more days.

RIWE we can do this! :)

Nothing less than 100%. Your all, your best.

Great frustrations

2010-07-19T23:41:00.005+08:00

Today was one of those sucky days, by almost all counts. I'm alright, except not proud of myself; on the other hand, the day wasn't really alright at all. Sigh, still I try to thank God for another day of life.

This morning saw me seething with intense frustration and anger (hm, caught even myself by distressed surprise - I've not felt so mad in a long time), no good.

This morning, with one fell swoop, many things were axed, and we were informed that we will be subject to certain enforced changes; all of which, in my opinion, were utterly preposterous. ): What's a CCA for, then? Evidently it's not viewed as an outlet for pursuing other interests. Except on paper. Or maybe, more fundamentally, we are to have no other interests except our studies?

Yes, studies are important, but how far does one go? There is no end to the "more effort" that one can put in.

It is also very telling, when such changes happen, that the concern is only about results. Thus CCAs are a means to an end, and exist mainly for that one end alone: for the competitions and the results. i.e. For the fame and the glory. But does it not realize that vanity is but fleeting?

Admittedly I'm still annoyed, and am trying to come to terms with this.

But then I sat at the field, gazed at the clear blue sky. After a good two hours (am thankful for free blocks, I needed it.) I realized that some things shouldn't matter so much after all - let it go. Yes, I intend to put up a good fight, but no point letting something like this rob me of my joy. Things will work out... somehow.

Riches I heed not nor man's empty praise

2010-07-19T23:32:00.003+08:00

Thou mine inheritance now and always
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart

Today marked the end of getting our CT1 papers back.

(I don’t have much to say, nor much time to say much.)

This round of CTs has actually been a firm reassurance and encouragement that I must stop worrying and start trusting. On hindsight it seems ridiculously illogical that we should doubt, yet along the way it is so easy to forget. Thanks be to God that He forgives and loves still.

How true it is that we only need to “seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given [us] as well”. It is so amazing that that is all He asks of us – our wholehearted commitment and love – and I know that that is exactly what I want to give to Him.

This CTs lead-up period (aka June hols) was different, in that, by God's grace, I don't think I would have lived it differently given a choice. Results weren’t brilliantly fantastic, but I’m thankful (and I hope I’d have been able to say this even if I’d done worse). Mm, not me I know. God. :)

Econs proved a bit of a disappointment, but then again, I suppose I was hoping for a bit too much, given that it’s a long-standing joke in RI that the average econs grade is an ‘S’, and that one shouldn’t expect to pass until JC2. On the other hand there was a thorough surprise with GP. Haha, and 3As?

I’ll continue to remember what I promised. “And whether As or Cs, may God be glorified. I will rest secure, ever with a song of praise on my lips.”

So I praise You, O God. I will, and I do, rest secure in Your plan for me.

2010-07-15T23:37:00.001+08:00

Ye who are weary come home
Softly and tenderly, Jesus is calling
Calling, 'O sinner, come home'

-

Already the regrets are pouring in fast and furious. No time! No time! I cry, as the waves rush past. I dislike it when change occurs so quickly; this time I feel as though I've had scant time to psych even myself up and think about things like attitude, motivation, aims. And it's evident. It's also clear that if I don't even have that vision, how can others catch it? Am I expecting too little? Am I being too lenient? Many questions. My commitment and strong sense of responsibility might be there, but is that enough? if the passion does not flow forth.

When I listened to Joseph and Danial speak to the band that day, I realized that they had what I, maybe used to, but have no longer, something so utterly crucial and essential particularly at this point in time. They had passion, they had conviction, they had vision.

So, picture of an 'inspiring leader', indeed. Yes, true greatness is in the greatest humility. But where is the SYF'09 me? I seem to have lost that innocence? that ability to stand firmly by my convictions? or simply, conviction to begin with? I don't know. I really wish I had it still.

Tell me why I'm even remotely capable of doing this, again? It doesn't seem that way at all.

Sigh. Insecurity and Doubt, you will thrive no more. Lord, please grant me the wisdom to do this in a way that need not be regretted.

-

Reflecting this morning on weakness and strength was like rain on parched ground - thank You, Lord.

It makes so little, yet so much sense. I realized I've been exhausted all week, but failed to acknowledge my dependence and neediness.

And when I finally did - finally came home - I found myself running into His open arms. Arms that had been always waiting. And that's all it took for divine strength, joy, and some sort of a selflessness (that my self-centered heart would not naturally allow for), to give away, today.

I'm sorry

2010-07-14T23:11:00.001+08:00

Disappointed. In more ways than one.

Exhausted.

I want to curl up in a corner and stay there. In a corner of a lush faraway field. A field where the trees dance, and the birds laugh.

I want to stay there and sing. Softly. There will I be quiet, unnoticed, unfettered, insignificant; stripped of pretense; living the kind of (private) life that I wish I did.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Cor 12:9-10)

2010-07-04T15:53:00.001+08:00

Actually, discounting a ill-disciplined Thurs and lousy Sat (guess we all have these days), this week reminded me that I’ve much to be thankful for. I thank God, really, for helping me through this period of CTs. I know I couldn’t have done it otherwise. There isn't really a huge sense of relief or liberation, but that's fine, because I don't think I lived my life very differently for the sake of CTs, thank God. It’s so reassuring to be able to rest in the knowledge that getting ‘A’s is not what is most important, but rather, living in a way that makes our heart’s Treasure evident.

It is also such a relief to find each new day something like a fresh, unused page – blotted clean and pure, for His mercies are new every morning and His steadfast love never ceases; great is Thy faithfulness.

I know I’m going to desperately need a break soon. But there’s no respite in sight just yet. Must keep going; can’t possibly burn out again so soon. Teach me to not lean on myself (or anyone else) for strength?

Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it – or wise – to try to do so much.

2010-07-03T18:36:00.000+08:00

Two days with no QT to start off, and I find my life becomes quite screwed. It's not that I didn't want to, it's just that yesterday I was interrupted, and today I (sigh.) got up late for band. I realize what a world of difference it makes to straighten my life out each day, and make sure I live it for the right reason. I know also that the amount of joy and love I have to 'give of' is also greatly affected. And today I said/did many unwise things during band, albeit small things that probably no one would have noticed - indulging in joylessness/misery (for waking up late, I was so exceedingly mad with myself), complaints here and there, pricks of pride, patches of insecurity, bits of frustration. Even if they weren't 'negative' I could have done the positive. I'm not proud of it.

Well, what's past is past, and what matters is the present. In that respect I really need to get over the inertia, apprehension and embarrassment of having to face reality for what it really is, having to come to terms with my failings, and having to pick myself up - rather letting myself be picked up - once again. It's queer how I know I should get back on right away, and yet tarry even though I know that's all I truly want to do.

I'm also scared because I know this is a particularly crucial period for me to be spending sufficient time in prayer and meditation. E-emphasis month is here, and it's another heavy period for E-comm. I'm aware that these 4 weeks has great potential, if it is Spirit-filled, if we truly hunger and are willing to dare - dare to live dangerously. It's also a heavy period for band with SIBF in 20 days, and I need to spend time thinking and praying about how to take the lead wisely. And yet I have neglected that quite a fair bit (at least towards the end of this week). I know it's exams, but what kind of an excuse is that for not concentrating on what is even more important?

Lord, would you forgive me for not doing what I should have, for not managing my time wisely? Would you still look upon this work of my/our hands with favour, despite my failings? I know it's nothing much, just four weeks of plans, but I know You can do great and mighty things even in the smallest of hearts. Lord, I ask this not because we deserve it, but because we are in great need of Your mercy. Lord, I ask that You bring Yourself all glory and honour; Lord, do this for Your name's sake, and for the sake of Your people. For we are all in need of You; we are that dry and thirsty land.

2010-06-27T19:17:00.001+08:00

I forsee much struggle with pride in the week to come, especially since exams/results are something so – so tangible, so pervasive – that it is easy to use it as a uniform judgment of value and self-worth. The fact that this natural tendency creeps up on me in such an insiduous fashion, like how it did initially during church camp, is worrying.

When Rev Chua asked us during a sermon in camp to think of the one thing we were most afraid of, I couldn’t think of anything I was more afraid of than… failing God.

Will I stand the test?
(Haha no pun intended.)

I realized one thing I really lack is trust, and as a result I tend rely much on my own works to try and redeem myself and make myself worthy of being considered a Christian. It’s like I don’t trust Him enough to rest in His promise that He will renew my mind and daily make me more like Him (because what if I end up sinning again and again?); like I don’t trust Him enough that He works for the good of those who are His children (because what if by my own sinful doings and wrong choices I am living outside of His plan for me?)

But thanks be to God, for “he gives us more grace” (James 4:6).

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be

2010-06-27T18:55:00.002+08:00

Everything is given us such that we may think about them, talk about them, and feel about them in such a way that it will be plain to the world, it will be plain to all around us that those things are not our treasure; Christ is.

All I once thought gain
I have counted loss:
Spent and worthless, now
Compared to this

"What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ" - Phil 3:8

2010-06-18T21:26:00.000+08:00

It is difficult to admit one's neediness, for in our state of tremendous insecurity we often seek comfort in self-sufficiency.

But I say this without shame: church camp was really, really good. Praise God! - and just two words seems to do a great deal of injustice to the immensity of my gratitude and joy, not just for His work in my life, but maybe even more so for His work in the lives of so many fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. I have realized how true it is that those who seek will find. That is the depth of God's grace. Many came seeking, and God showed Himself so - so strongly and so real during the camp.

Will sort through the overwhelmingly many thoughts and feelings in the days to come. But there are three things that resound more intensely:

1) Where is the life that is lost in the living? The main thing in life is to keep the main thing the main thing.

2) Love one another, and that presupposes community. Moreover one cannot love if one is insecure.

3) At the end of the day, Jesus wins! No matter what. What is there to fear?

Work-wise, it's back to studying for the week ahead (oh! and of course, practising the piano (Fathers' Day) and the flute (SIBF)). On my part I will do my best, but remembering the end for which I am doing all this.

And whether As or Cs, may God be glorified. I will rest secure, ever with a song of praise on my lips.

2010-06-07T20:36:00.001+08:00

This is an utterly random post, but never mind. It's good to have a measured dose of just-for-laughs stuff once in a while.

1. Johnson is hilarious. (Be honoured, yo, a whole post to you :p)

(via SMS, right after I get home)

Johnson Chiu (6.35pm): Please sleep early today!

(on MSN, right after I go online)

[RJCSB] Johnson says (8:16 PM):
-poke-
SLEEP EARLY

[RJCSB] Johnson says (8:23 PM):
lol
i figured i shall take care of my bm's welfare
cuz she likes to overstretch herself sometimes D:
rgs-induced feminism D:

talia says (8:24 PM):
...
HAHA

[RJCSB] Johnson says (8:24 PM):
haha

talia says (8:25 PM):
johnson you're hilarious

[RJCSB] Johnson says (8:25 PM):
you luh -.- sleep so late -.-

In any case, I'm happy with myself. I'm training him to be a Super Nanny!

2. I have officially become, unofficially, five-seventh Italian (i-talia-n) ever since class camp. For better or worse, Mr Purvis actually remembers who I am..!

3. I have discovered a couple of pun sparring partners - WHY ARE THEY ALL IN BAND?? - and we PUNish our poor bandmates with them, pretty endlessly. Hahaha. Thankfully they haven't BAND us yet.

4. Before attempting GP AQs, one must first have AP.

Okay had better get back to PW.

(P-double-U. U PU! - fellow SEA Hist [coerced] geeks will understand.)

2010-06-05T22:34:00.001+08:00

I don't quite feel like blogging, and it's quite a pity how activity tends to leave little time for careful introspection, so I'll get down to at least penning down a bit of what's happened these past few days.

Sunday

It's been a less frequent occurrence that things from the sermon leave a profound impression - an explanation that quite possibly includes physical tiredness, and also a lack of teachability, both of which I'm not proud of. But I still recall something that struck me from the sermon:

"Who among you fears the LORD and obeys the word of his servant? Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the LORD and rely on his God. But now, all you who light fires and provide yourselves with flaming torches, go, walk in the light of your fires and of the torches you have set ablaze. This is what you shall receive from my hand: you will lie down in torment." - Isaiah 50:10-11

For some time now it's felt like darkness - not the pitch-black kind, but more like a dimming brightness. (Quite a fair bit of that due to exhaustion.) I've probably just been holding on, by God's grace. Guilty have I felt for that very reason, but it was an encouragement to keep trusting in the Lord though the darkness may set in. I should not light my own light and attempt to rely on my own strength. 'Never doubt in the dark what God has shown you in the light'.

Monday to Thursday: CCAL camp

It was fun-fun, which I guess was a good and necessary thing for me. It's not like I haven't had fun in a long time; I try to tell myself to enjoy everything, and do wind up enjoying most of it, but in that sense it's more intentional rather than spontaneous. CCAL camp saw us rafting, trekking, reforesting, and dragon boating: I do very much like the outdoors! The scenery was lovely as well, which was unexpected and a huge plus - the night sky, clothed in a blanket of twinkling stars, was awe-inspiringly fantastic (I got to see the legendary Big Dipper!!)

B5 (Bottoms up!) was a great group as well - far from awkwardly quiet, yet not overly hyperactive; they were caring, fun-loving yet serious when the time called for it, lively, and intellectually engaging. :D

A slight tangent: I don't quite know if I've gotten over the fear/apprehension/reluctance of taking up this responsibility. Ambivalence would sum things up neatly. I'm... I'm grateful, yes, for others' confidence and trust, and thank you, really. But, I don't know. A significant part of it is the many personal reservations on capability, and I really don't think I deserve this. Beyond that there's still the conviction from last year; the desire to care and love and serve without the official position having to be attached to all that I am and do; and the fear that work will crowd out the ability to actually be there for others. It's not that I'm not willing to sacrifice, not at all. It's just a fear that less time/energy will compromise on living life for what really matters: loving God, and loving others.

Should I not have walked through this open door? Oh, open doors don't mean that it's the wisest choice, it doesn't mean it's the best way. I was on the verge of closing it gently and apologetically, but it's as though before I knew it I was pushed through, and now on the other side I stand. It still bugs me. I don't really know, oh well.

Friday: Invest/BBQ

A huge THANKS to everyone who made it a success! :DD Hope/am glad the J2s enjoyed themselves. RSB'11 is really such GREAT FUN and so nicely cooperative - what a JC CCA batch to be in. :) Special thanks goes out to Patrick for the video, Linjin for handling AV stuff, Peiwen for the batch item song arrangement, Samseah who so generously availed her place, the folks who braved the stinging smoke to BBQ, and of course, Johnson for all the hard work. :)

Will definitely miss the J2s )): Particularly the fluboes - Fayang, Ethel, Shimin, Yifan, Daniel, Eric, Tiffany - all of whom have been so friendly and supportive... if only we'd had more cafe cartel trips and mind cafe expeditions.

Thank you, every one of you, for the legacy that you've left us, for all that has been, and now, let’s look ahead to what can be.

Saturday: E-comm retreat

'Three Musketeers', haha. I'm really thankful for all that's come to be, and what lies ahead.

Apart from the rather fail guitar playing and singing (sheesh, get over this shyness.) it was a refreshing time of sharing, praying and planning with Ronald and Cheryl. Am excited - as excited as I can be, at least, at this present stage - for what lies ahead :D

Realized that God will do His work, for He accomplishes all that He sets out to do, no matter what. It's only a question of whether or not we choose to be a part of that marvellous work, whether we're willing to avail time and energy, whether we're willing to surrender.

Think I need time to sit down and think about the fundamentals of everything. But I suppose it'll have to wait a week or so, until camp. In the meantime... by His grace, know I'll keep hanging in there (:

2010-05-25T23:16:00.000+08:00

Pride leads to the downfall of many, but false humility is worse, simply because we often fail to recognize its lurking within our hearts.

It’s not fair.

But I know I must bow my head quietly, and swallow that which keeps rising up in me. For “when words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.” (Prov 10:19) This year has been great training in that, actually, by virtue of my class’ size and outspokenness; I find that I increasingly decide to speak.

Yet it’s also not fair that I am so blessed.

And so I suppose it is a matter of perspective, really.

Anyway, I really enjoyed being on two wheels again, and spent a quarter of the entire ride reaching up (woohoo, no handlebars), touching the clouds – almost! – and panting through a grin. Age (and arguably Singapore’s education system) breeds cautiousness: we dare not try. We dare not dream; we colour within those black lines very well, but dare not mark out our own. We become increasingly conscious of our inadequacies and the reputations we feel we must needs live up to.

I couldn’t care less about exploring Bukit Panjang in an untucked badgeless school blouse and mismatching blue shorts, like some crazy girl who goes cycling despite having an intimidating GP exam the next day. I loved the liberating feeling of whizzing down pavements and roads, wind in my hair, arms in the air, savouring the long-forgotten taste of what it means to be carefree, innocent, and adventurous once more.

N.B. I did kinda-study for GP, by the way, since 4 days back. ;) Not very importantly, considering that I’ve failed my first round of GP formatives (as did most of the class) and done so-so for the last round’s, I’ll aim for a pass. Hee.

2010-05-21T23:57:00.000+08:00

I'm thankful that this week is over, and the term nearing to an end. It's been very tiring, to put things simply, and "I fell asleep on my work last night" has taken a very much more literal meaning. A test of neck flexibility indeed!

Oddly, I find I was in a better state before this week+. Granted, I was much more physically tired and sleepy over the past few weeks, but this sense of deeper, wearier exhaustion only finally took its toll after A Tempo ended, i.e. after a crazy period. During much of which there was surprisingly much peace in the midst of the storm.

So thank God for that, and am eagerly soaking in the slightly more relaxed pace. :)

And before I forget, this struck me as pretty amazing, a few days back. The way some parts are phrased are awe-inspiring.

God
- laid the earth's foundations - marked off its dimensions - laid its cornerstone while stars sang and angels shouted for joy - shut up the sea - made clouds its garment and wrapped it in thick darkness - fixed limits of the sea - gives orders to morning - shows dawn its place that it might take the earth by the edges and shake out the wicked - shapes the earth like clay under seal - journeys to springs of the sea - walks in recesses of the deep - knows the gates of (the shadow of) death - comprehends earth's vast expanses - knows way to light and darkness and their dwelling - reserves storehouses of snow and hail - disperses lightning - scatters east winds over the earth - cuts channel for torrents of rain and path for thunderstorm to water no man's land - fathers the rain and drops of dew - gives birth to ice and frost - brings forth constellations - knows laws of heavens - sets up dominion over the earth - raises voice to clouds - covers self with floods - sends lightning bolts - endows hearts with wisdom - gives minds understanding - counts clouds - tips over water jars of the heavens to water the earth - hunts for prey for His creatures - provides food for the ravens and their young - knows when creatures give birth - lets wild donkey go free and gives him his land - gives horses strength and clothes them with a flowing mane - commands hawks to fly and eagles to soar - voice thunders - adorned with glory and splendor - clothed in honour and majesty - furious wrath - humbles proud - judges wicked -

(adapted from Job 38-41)

hang on a moment

2010-05-16T23:36:00.006+08:00

It's just dawned on me how restrained and unenthusiastic that last post sounded. This might convey things a little better:

A TEMPO WAS A FANTASTIC EXPERIENCE THANK YOU EVERYONE AND I LOVE RJCSB! :DDD

I thank God for putting me here, right where I know I should be. :)

And it's been busy busy busy

but - all the way my Savior leads me.

A Tempo XX

2010-05-16T22:59:00.002+08:00

A Tempo XX

- All the world's a stage

12 May 2010

Victoria Concert Hall

Going back in time a couple of days - A Tempo! I didn't quite have time to blog much about it previously, so I should before it slips away altogether. It was immensely enjoyable, and made me so, so glad and thankful that I eventually joined band again.

***

Army of the Nile was quite fine, I think.

Nightflight to Paris was one of my favourites - with its opening grandness that morphed into mysteriouso, then sparkly Db aura (my favourite key at present :)), and final agitated excitement.

Asuka was interesting but weird, with its slightly ghostly Japanese theme. I could appreciate the music, but probably not like very much.

Debussy - Daniel's solos were really good! It's intriguing to watch him play them out of the corner of my eye, and even more musically inspiring to hear it. That aside, it was ... clearly Debussy-style, with its impressionist oddities. Haha, and we played Minstrels, the 5th movement, which I've played on the piano before. (I remember thinking, the first time I played it, that it was seriously the Weirdest sounding piece ever.)

Symphonic Poems "Northern Mother Earth - Praise for All Living Things" (aka Hokkaido): all I can say was, we did it! We lasted through, to the last breath, despite my initial reservations and the fact that we learnt it less than one month before concert; all emotionally demanding 15 minutes and 8 pages of it. It was composed by Satoshi Yagisawa, Mr Oura's friend, so it turned out to be a premier outside of Japan. Cool, right! Turned out better than expected.

Boys of Wexford.. uh. Admittedly I made the most and the silliest mistakes for this, despite its simplicity. I'd only practised it... once? before with the band, heh heh, and had nearly forgotten what it sounded like. Oh well, it was passable I hope.

Warabe Uta Fantasy was alright. (I wish I had the musical vocabulary to describe it.) I think the harmonies were mostly fifths (1-5) and other odd combinations, which consequently made for a rather unstable sound. Odd but interesting in its own right.

Swing Low Sweet Chariot had thick, unusual chords, precisely the kind I like to play around with. :) The only minus was the string of wrong notes audible at the start during the actual performance. But at least it sounded consistently discordant, so the audience probably didn't notice it.

Arabesque was another favourite. Ah, once again, the flute solo at the start! I liked the Arabic-Middle Eastern, yet lively sound, as well as the challenge it posed to us first flutes. It was torturous grappling - or should I say battling - with the high notes that we had to rattle off in rapid succession for a good 2/3 of the piece. I will not forget the hours spent screeching at home and annoying poor, poor family/neighbours.

Joh Hisaishi was just cute. I felt like a happy sunflower swaying on a hill; a toy soldier marching in a British parade; then a dreamy spirit floating about. It ended in a classic, relatively grandiose manner, and I couldn't help but sketch a :D to end it off.

Samba, the most exciting and fun piece, and consequently the natural favourite! :D It was crazy working out the mess/mass of notes and rhythms initially, but the effort definitely paid off. Spent a good many hours on it, together with the trusty keyboard, which had a samba auto-rhythm that I could practise to. It got us all grinning in pride and happiness.

And ah, good ol' Takarajima, the trusty encore piece. I'm not so sure whether having the audience clap along is ideal; I personally dislike it when they do that at concerts because it ends up drowning out the music. Nonetheless, it was great fun.

***

In a way, I didn't have a great sense of emotional attachment to A Tempo in the way that I have been for RGSSB's performances. Perhaps that's because we've only been in RJCSB about 4 months, on top of which I'm not naturally the sort who can sincerely gush about things in such a way. There wasn't a keen nostalgia, a hyper enthusiasm, no "deeper" thoughts, or a desire to carefully preserve memories of each moment of it...

But that's okay, I think. Not everything has to be that way. I'll definitely remember A Tempo XX as an exceedingly enjoyable experience. :) I truly(naturally) enjoyed nearly every moment of it; ah, and didn't get stage fright as I normally do, thankfully.

Am also grateful to the many many people who came down to support us! Including [RG friends] Yujia, Yujin, Brenda, Jane, Rachel, Anna, Ms Lim; [1C] Daron, Wanjing, Anurak, Bryan, Mitchell; [RGSSB] practically everyone! :) especially the fluboes; [batch 09] almost all the rest - Peixin, Dot, Ee Iyn, Jolyn, Yunshu; as well as many many others - thank you!

:)

To the extent that an entity can be loved... I suppose I can say that I do love band. :)

-

On a more pensive line, now that the J2s are leaving (aww), I'm worried about how things are going to turn out. Their batch had a number of pro people who raised the bar, and I don't know if we can match up to that standard. (Argh, and there's SYF again!)

This also spells greater Responsibility. I sometimes secretly wish it would tarry longer, or begone altogether. Yet I know that with greater challenges comes greater opportunity for growth and greater training in character. For we are purified through the fire.

-

(But it's never really been a question of whether I want it, has it.)

I've decided (I've had to decide, rather). Will stop being so indecisive and uncertain. And from here will go forth in faith and gratitude.

"Therefore... continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose." (Phil 2:12-13)

-

You are my hiding place
You always fill my heart with songs of deliverance
Whenever I am afraid I will trust in You
Let the weak say I am strong
In the strength of the Lord
I will trust in You

Rock of Ages

2010-05-09T23:58:00.000+08:00

cleft for me / let me hide myself in Thee

Simply this - I love You, Lord. Thank You.

-

About that, I still really don't know. I'm edging towards saying no and pulling out - there is still time, after all - because something within me just isn't comfortable. Only thing is I'm not sure what that something is - God-inspired, or self-inflicted?

And yet it seems manageable; it seems silly, not to.

I trust You for wisdom, for guidance.

Oh Lord, You alone see through to my heart. I just want to obey Your calling for my life, that I may be pleasing and acceptable in Your sight.

-

3 days to A Tempo!

(Oops, evidently a fragmented post.)

-

I'm really thankful for class camp. It was refreshing, in terms of perspective. The beauty of His creation, of which Mt Ophir presented many reminders - I've long forgotten how to revel in the beauty of it all. Thank God for the many many small mercies that reminded me once again of how much He cares for me. I'm also thankful for a few meaningful conversations.

I loved just sitting there, atop that rock; alone in the dark, silent; silently praising the Rock of Ages and the Rock of my life.

The first night, God reminded me of how Amazing He is. What had happened was that I'd perched myself on a rock at one end of the campsite, pouring out my complaints and burdens to the Lord; weak, and heavy-laden. My class came, though, so I went over to another rock just outside our designated zone. I was thinking and praying, and Anna came to mind - at that point I felt as though I really needed to talk to her. So I prayed that Anna would somehow come - even though it was late, and I'd no idea where in the campsite she was - and if possible, Rachel too (but I'd talked to Rachel recently, so it was Anna whom I felt I needed to speak with more).

Nonetheless, when I finished, I realized it sounded like a silly request. So half doubtful and consequently half amused, I chided and reminded myself that God was more than sufficient to meet my every need, and that I shouldn't have asked for such a silly thing when the awesome, wonderful Creator of the universe was right there with me.

But God never fails to work wonders - just then, two familiar voices called out my name, and in half reluctance (for having to make my quiet presence on the rock 'public') turned. And GUESS WHO WAS THERE :D

And it was indeed a refreshing conversation: reflective and pensive, but filled with encouragement and exhortation. I knew for certain afterwards that God had, in His perfect timing, brought us together just like that for those near-two hours, and planned it as such so that we might all be spurred on towards living for Him once again. I'm so glad for two sisters-in-Christ whom I know care for me and who I love.

And others... (:

-

Whom have I in heaven but You? And earth has nothing I desire besides You.
My flesh and my heart my fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

- Psalm 73:25-26

let my words be few

2010-04-25T15:57:00.001+08:00

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

- Matt 6:26-33 (excerpts)

--

Praise the Lord! (:

eXperience.

Ever faithful, He works in ways we cannot imagine.

--

"Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yoruselves fully to the work of the Lord, for you know that your labour in the Lord is not in vain."

- 1 Cor 15:58

thoughts

2010-04-12T00:00:00.001+08:00

Trust is the firstfruits of Faith. Trust is also the essence of Faith.

-

I'm sensing, as I hear many others do, that He has chosen this time to work a powerful and mighty work. And that He has started that work. It's amazing. I'm holding my breath, gasping a little more in wonder with each passing week. Waiting, eagerly, to see what's going to happen.

Praise God.

Thank God too for the opportunities He's opened up. Must work at it with all my heart, with a keen sense of purpose.

Greater things have yet to come, greater things are still to be done here.

-

Today I committed to seeking God above all, once more.

There is still much pride that lurks within my heart. Lord, please help me to realize the utter sinfulness of my heart, and turn back to you in those many respects once more. Please open my eyes, for I am blinded to many of these areas.

I've discovered that there is great joy in blessing and encouraging others rather than seeking to be given. Anyway, I'm going to stock up on chocolates and cards :)

-

I feel guilty: I wish, with all my heart, that I'd more time, more energy, more of myself to give. So many people, so many things (and I don't mean school work).

I want to look at others in the eye and be able to sincerely say that I love them. I want to tell my dearest friends that God is real, and tell them about how I can be so sure - how He is so real everywhere, always. I want to love and encourage my brothers and sisters in Christ... "and all the more as we see the Day approaching".

-

Sometimes I wish this life would give way to the eternal glory that awaits, shimmering patiently, beyond that horizon.

But no. I'll praise God for, and with, every breath that I have.

2010-04-10T23:58:00.001+08:00

Have I really changed?

This day began with a very miserable start: I sat up with a start at 10.15am, and the realization that I was going to be 3h late for band prac dawned on me. I cannot fathom how I sleep through alarm clocks so regularly, no matter how many I set nor however loud they may be. ): I left the house in a moody state (poor dad, who was on the receiving end), and couldn't decide how I should allow myself to feel - remorseful? definitely appropriate. And then what, be emo? what would be the point of that. Joy? I couldn't bring myself to smile. Thank God that after reaching school everyone was nice, if not ignorant, about it, with keyun reassuring me that it was okay (even offering to call me next time! :)) - I couldn't have handled any more at that point.

Despite its unpromising numerical size, the Youth Retreat afterglow today turned out surprisingly well, just like Youth Retreat did. :)

I said that I didn't want to go up to share. (I said this the last time too, at last year's youth camp afterglow). It's true, I didn't, firstly because I wasn't in the best of spirits after what happened earlier, and secondly because I thought others should have a chance to share.

But, just like the last time, I felt the Spirit stirring my heart, which then started to beat at, given that I was sitting down quietly, a ridiculous rate. Seeing as there weren't that many people (which turned out to be a blessing) I finally went up to share about this whole struggle w/reg to church, and how God changed my perspective during the retreat. Not so much changed, but gave me an inner conviction beyond mere rhetoric. The theme of encouragement - to love and good deeds - was so apt. I shared about my inability to feel a sense of belonging for the longest time, my awkwardness, my disillusionment, my lack of love for my family in Christ. Not that this is over - will it ever be? - but I know He has changed me through this Retreat: He has given me a renewed sense of purpose.

I almost immediately started to regret exposing myself like that though. No one wants to give others a negative impression of themselves. But I (from almost all perspectives) foolishly did. Yet God uses even "the foolish things of the world to shame the wise", so I trust that He made me go up there for a reason.

I need to let go of much pride.

The essence of it all

2010-03-30T23:10:00.003+08:00

This verse struck me profoundly, yesterday:

"Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment."

- 1 Timothy 6:17

I couldn't stop smiling, albeit in a most perplexed fashion.

It's simply mind-boggling to think of things this way, isn't it. That life is, in essence, a walk with God. So often we think of it as going to school, or facing the day ahead, or taking that exam, or surviving that CCA practice - but no.

Rather, it is a walk with God. (It should be, at least.)

We walk together through the corridors of school, into the classrooms, into the exam hall, into that CCA room - whatever. We walk together with Him, even as we go home, as we do our work, as we busy ourselves.

We walk together through all of life. Just like that. What's more, our walk together is all that matters.

And this perspective changes everything, each time we go back to it. Amazing.

YES

2010-03-28T15:42:00.001+08:00

Our first ever Y.E.S. today wasn't bad; only that Uncle Alvin probably wasn't informed that it was meant to be a Y.E.S. ): Apart from that, most of the changes that are being implemented are quite decent, and I do sense a change in the atmosphere, in the sense of the (occasionally stifling) relative coldness melting away. It was heartening also to notice that the hall was nearly completely full today!

Still, I'm more conservative / cautious about the way certain things seem to be headed, very evident during yesterday's Rally, and slightly during today's service. The... (how shall I put it.) noise, I guess. (I don't mean this volume-wise.) And the emptiness amdist the increasingly better form, at times.

It's been pretty fun making MAX Challenge announcements these past few weeks. Strangely enough, it's helped me connect better with the rest - something I have always been not-so-good at doing. A month ago, I decided that I was going to start off each announcement with a joke, so as to establish rapport with the audience + break the ice, and it's worked much better than expected. (Perhaps it's working too well - people can remember each of my jokes from Week 0!!) But better that than it being a flop. Unfortunately, I've probably shattered my reputation of being Serious and Intellectual (Hah). What's more I embarrassed myself thoroughly by laughing uncontrolably at myself for a good 10s before I started sharing my joke of the day. But never mind: if it brings a smile to others' faces and encourages them to want to be a part of MAX Challenge, or more than that, even instills a greater sense of unity, it's completely worth it, I tell myself. It's also interesting being known as the funny / creative person, for the first time ever!

E-comm has grown by 300% over the past week, so praise God for that :)
(Fine. Technically, that translates into two people joining, but 300% sounds cool nonetheless.) There's so much that needs to be done, though, and this mostly in terms of planning / thinking / praying. May Your will be done, I pray.

Class today was rather lively. Need to keep better rein over my tongue (and sense of humour), though. I don't know why words have the potential to tickle my mind so. Furthermore, I appreciated very much hearing the rest open up and share, finally. It's something we haven't done for a long time, because we tend to overrun on the Bible lesson and leave no time for sharing.

But I realized that I still harbour much unforgiveness. Deep within.

I asked Aunty Lay Hong a question earlier today, and her answer was very perculiar, in that she didn't answer my question at all. But she overstepped the question and went straight to something else that had been lurking much deeper and darker within - something I didn't even breathe a word about. I'm thankful for her, her sensitivity to Him, and His speaking through her. (:

I need to remember that - for Whom I live. So I won't say it's not fair, anymore.

No; rather, who am I, to be serving You? Nobody, actually. What have I to give that is of worth? Nothing.

- Yet it is sheer grace and love that makes everything count.

In Christ

2010-03-23T18:28:00.002+08:00

A gladness of heart, and joy, as I look back on the last part of the past week (notwithstanding the late nights on history essay) - and I mean this sincerely. I'm beginning to find myself, for the first time in years, drawn mysteriously (in a way I've never been before) to our YF, to CBC, to my brothers and sisters in Christ. I still think of them even though school's kicked in full-force once again, and not with a weariness and wariness that characterized much of my attitude previously. I no longer think myself so lonely in my spiritual walk, as I always ... rather selfishly have, I suppose.

Over the retreat, and last Sunday, I sensed God doing something in our midst, and pray that He will continue to do so. Slowly but surely.

Thank God for upright leaders and sound biblical principles. Never mind the seeming lack of 'emotion' and 'hype', for we are all still growing, and I trust that will eventually change as He changes us.

Need to fix my mind on things above.

Zachary shared a thought that struck me on Monday - not new, but a reminder. To be sensitive to others' needs, to be there for our friends in school who need encouragement and love. I realize I haven't really been there for others this past term - I think I have retreated, a fair bit, into myself; something I needed, I guess, so as to pull myself together and stand firm initially. But now that things are okay already, that needs to go.

P.S. Will attempt to post more, because I do think reflection helps. I wonder if anyone actually still reads this, though!

Thanksgiving

2010-03-21T21:27:00.001+08:00

I really thank God for leading us - the YF - today in a time of worship, from the bottom of my heart. On my own I could have never done it: I don't sing well, I can get terrible stage fright, and am naturally painfully shy. So thank You, Lord.

The past few times, I've always been filled with a sense of dread during the few days leading up to the weekend for that reason. This time was no different.

For one, band on mon/wed and youth retreat on thurs/fri/sat left me with little time to prepare; I spent much less time this round that I did previous rounds. But that was good, on hindsight. It made me be a lot more practical = not such a huge burden time-wise, and also not overly demanding on details like dynamics for each line or chords (which I scribbled out during retreat) = less stress on the whole band + greater trust in God.

By Friday night I was pretty stressed out, because I'd only just found out who my band members were, and what's more, one of them couldn't make it for prac. How was I to find a keyboardist at 1.30am on Friday night for prac barely 12 hours later! (God provides, though, and Gloria agreed when I called her on Sat morning :))

Once youth retreat was over, my thoughts shifted rapidly to prac which was going to happen in about 1+h. I was desperate enough to ask Uncle KC if I should just not-do it. In addition, it was raining, plus I'd to cart logistics home before making the regularly-hour-long bus trip to church (not counting lunch), so prospects didn't look too good. But then dad came to pick up the stuff, and in a huff told a stressed/moody me to wait at the campsite and he'd pick me later, which actually turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Sulky and annoyed, I made a last minute decision to hitch a lift from Ashley, whose dad nicely drove me to near church so I'd just enough time to catch a bite before going for prac on time. All the way in the car I was silently crying on the inside, because I dreaded the thought of band prac.

Ashley's dad had the music on all the way in the car. As we neared church, the song "Give Thanks" started playing. By then I was quite petrified at the thought of being so close to what I was secretly dreading, and paid scarce attention to it. But then, somehow, I caught wind of a few lines... lines that changed that dread and fear into trust and quiet tears of gratitude: "And now let the weak say 'I am strong' / let the poor say 'I am rich' / because of what the Lord has done for us / give thanks".

And prac was alright, I think. We started 30 mins late, but managed to end 5 mins early. There were just 4 of us, and 3 instruments.

Today - while we were warming up I realized my voice was raspy and hoarse (probably from the shouting/cheering/talking during retreat and prac) and started worrying a little. But shook it off in time.

And so thank You, Lord, that You never fail us when we pray and trust. Thank You for Your peace, for Your strength, for Your grace, for Your enabling, personally. More than that, thank You for touching many of us today - I've not heard everyone singing with such gusto and conviction in a long, long time, if that's anything to go by.

I realized that so many times there's only so much we can do; ultimately God's the one who does that deepest, greatest work. Which is both scary, to the extent that we refuse to relinquish control and want to believe ourselves in control of our lives (yet who can even control whether he gets to take his next breath?); yet also a great assurance, and certain confidence.

Youth retreat was good, on the whole. (: Heb 10:24-25 has changed my understanding of church a fair bit, w/reg to my disillusionment crisis earlier this year. The retreat, I think, has helped us as a class - or at least, helped me personally to love them more - and definitely as a YF. I'm glad my theme suggestion wasn't eventually used, though everyone initially agreed to it; the theme of encouragement was, I realized, a very fitting and necessary one. We were also challenged to get to know at least 3 people on a deeper level during this retreat… hm, will see about that in time to come.

Anyway, thank You, once again.

Fears

2010-03-17T23:58:00.000+08:00

Homework 10% done,
Playing on Fri and Sat,
Leading on Sat and Sun -

Need to remember that I'm disciple of Christ, above all, in every context, everywhere I'm placed by His (sovereign) will.

The term

2010-03-15T22:25:00.003+08:00

I'll never forget that period of - depression? - at least, the closest I've experienced to it, throughout Jan and some of Feb. Didn't want to go to school, to go for band, to go to church, to do anything - I didn't want to live. Horrid; it thrust itself at me, completely unwanted, for reasons I couldn't comprehend then. It seemed like a painful fall from the height (of sorts) of the previous year. But thanks be to our faithful God, who picks us up each time we fall, no matter how bad bad that fall may be. Thankful too for a few friends who encouraged me during that period. And I know that I'm far from steady on my own strength, something I've always thought I was.

Then there was the discomforting awkwardness of trying to fit into an environment previously alien; premises, people, friends... expectations; trying to find one's footing; grasping at shreds of uncertain self-identity and weaving something of a front out of it to hide behind. Until I realized that I needn't, for my identity in Christ is more than sufficient, and that nothing else matters more than my love for Him. So I stopped/am trying to stop looking for places to hide and impressions to give. It's hard to remember, especially since the complete opposite is constantly reinforced, particularly in a school such as ours...

There's also the lesser restraint on words, not-so-tasteful topics, and peer pressure to deal with. To be a part of it or not? I'm honestly afraid others will laugh at me for not being interested in talking about trashy magazines, or sex and the like (... our class' professed favourite topic!) I'm fine with others talking about it, but would rather not do so myself. It's been hard: very hard, admittedly, to stay true to what I think (know) is right, given the realistic fear of rejection and whatnot. Trying.

Oh, and priorities. Really need to remember to stick fast and stand firm, particularly in the term ahead - which the teachers have warned will be a much tougher one than the first! Busy hols too.

This isn't quite a happy sounding post - naturally, for it bespeaks much weakness. But well, I am thankful, grateful... joyful. (:

I can do all things through Christ
I can move a mountain if You are the strength of my life
I can do all things through Christ
When You are the strength of my life

2010-02-22T02:34:00.001+08:00

Found love beyond all reason
You gave Your life, Your all, for me
And called me Yours forever

Caught in the mercy fallout
I found hope, found life, found all I need
You're all I need

The time has come
To stand for all we believe in
So I for one am gonna give my praise to You

:)

Many things. Will try to update soon!

2010-01-26T18:07:00.002+08:00

Nothing very substantial, but oh - I don't think I mentioned this before, here. After a five month long (or more) dilemma, I've finally decided on joining RJ band!

They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength
They will mount up with wings like eagles
They shall run and not be weary
They shall walk and not be faint
Teach us Lord, teach us Lord to wait.

Dreadfully beautiful

2010-01-22T22:34:00.003+08:00

This morning was lovely, really.

I nearly missed out on it. Admittedly, I wasn't too keen on heading to school early, because my first response to RJ in the mornings has thus far been a panicked, "gosh, so many people! take cover!" Moreover, I was feeling tired and cynical about life, and was correspondingly kind of down deep within. (My version of teenage angst, I suppose :P) And obviously, I didn't quite feel like talking to anyone. But dad said this was one of my last few chances at getting a lift for the year, and nicely gave me a ride to school, early.

So I decided to explore a little, and eventually found myself a quiet, serene spot, away from the chatter and laughter. (It did happen to be out on the parade square, though, so I'll probably try to hunt for another more secluded one once assembly starts.) The lightning alarm was flashing in its crazed, alarming fashion, but I couldn't really bring myself to care.

The large expanse of murky sky was overcast, with huge grey clouds stalking threateningly about. And, oh, the wind! It thrust itself frighteningly at one's cheeks; cold, chilly, menancing. The terrifying majesty of it all was so dreadfully beautiful. The sum of it sent shivers down my being, literally.

There I was filled with a craving for the Word; I confess I haven't been hungering after or meditating on it much of late. Flipped open my Bible and somehow made my way to Psalm 29, which was like soothing balm to the wounded soul -

Ascribe to the Lord O mighty ones
Ascribe to the Lord glory and strength
Ascribe to the Lord the glory due His name
Worship the Lord in the splendor of His holiness

The Lord sits enthroned over the flood
The Lord sits enthroned as King forever
The Lord gives strength to his people
The Lord blesses His people with peace.

And I smiled, and sang a little... and shivered in the cold.

Lord, thank You for opening my eyes to catch that glimpse. Forgive me for having lost sight.
Please teach me, humble me, open my heart, to see You in all your dreadful beauty, that I may both fear and love You with all that I am.

Testify to love

2010-01-17T00:44:00.002+08:00

Went for RJ band prac today - 10 of us batchmates went. (Phew, managed hear my alarm for once, even though it was set at 5am!) As I was telling Keyun, after the solemnity of the past few days, going to school (not even school, just band) was so very odd! I'm still not sure what CCA to join, will need to think and pray about it more. Ah, it still feels like I'm living in 2009 (my parents profess to feel this way too), and have yet to catch up with the new decade.

I'm certain about one thing, though - I won't be attempting to run for Council - and those who've asked are, without fail, surprised at my quick and definite response! That's even assuming I would stand a chance of getting in, though, if I were to run, which is probably highly unlikely. Nonetheless, there are several reasons why I wouldn't consider, even though I admit I enjoy a moderate amount of admin work (even 'saigang'). I think the biggest one is because I know that being in Council would entail a fairly large demand of time and energy, and I've committed to take that time and use it to firstly, serve more in church, and secondly, to be at home more. (I fear this year may make that commitment hard to keep, but I'll try, really.)

Currently I have a few CCAs shortlisted, but I think I'll wind up just deciding on trying out only for the particular one I'm inclined towards...

-

Haven't been updating this blog with details of what's been happening over the past few days, but, well - Granny was called home to be with the Lord on 12 Jan, early this week. The past few days have thus been an exhausting and intense few ones, filled with grief, but also, hope and joy.

This evening, as we sat at the family marble table (which Granny had always wanted to replace with a larger one so that all 12 of us could sit together, but never got round to doing) - I witnessed God's amazing provision unfold (almost literally) before my eyes as envelopes after envelopes were opened and love gifts were poured out all over the table. Mom and Uncle Irwin busied themselves with collecting well-wishes/notes to pass to Grandpa as well as opening envelopes, while I arranged, counted, tallied, and made notes, with Brenda assisting. I was, and am, just amazed, with people's generosity, but more so, with God's provision. Grandpa said he was, too.

Previously, we were a little worried about expenses (for the wake), because it came up to a hefty, rather shocking sum. Inexperienced, we were, and we never knew that funerals could cost that much. But tonight ... God showed Himself faithful yet again, and we realized that we had just enough. Just enough! (and I mean, not lacking a couple of thousand, but really almost exactly.) Not too much, but not too little; wonderful, really, to see how "[His] grace is sufficient" for us.

-

I think the segment of the wake that I dreaded (really dreaded) most was the cremation on the last day. Partially because the only cremation service I've gone for was Wei Qi's in Sec2, and that one really broke my heart because her parents were so, so grieved. It must be so hard to have to cremate your own daughter. Then, I hadn't gone to the viewing gallery to see the coffin being taken into the furnace. Dad's friends had warned him that this was the hardest part. As dad explained, even after death the person's body is still there, but cremation brings the reality from 'little' to 'nothing' - every physical trace goes up in flames, literally. I mostly feared grandpa's response, given how hard it was for him to let go; dad even gave us grandchildren instructions to surround grandpa in a tight circle throughout, in case he fell or collapsed or fainted (no one remembered, though, except Caleb and I, probably because they'd been crying too much).

I don't remember that much about Hall 3, except that it was freezing, shiver-inducing cold. There was a quartet (Uncle Richard, Uncle Chong Yeow, Aunty Yueh Ti, Aunty Sandra) that sang the beautiful song, "It is well (with my soul)". Everyone then laid a flower on the coffin, shook hands with/hugged the five adults of the family, and then went to the gallery.

Midway through, though, sounds from the next hall drifted in - professional mourners wailing, cymbals clanging, and all. Later, the stark contrast struck me, and something Grandpa mentioned before came to mind... that really, God is a God of beauty; that in the face of our human fallenness and evil, His beauty is so clearly seen.

It was with a sinking feeling in my heart and much trepidation that I walked into Mandai Crematorium's Viewing Gallery 3 at 11.35am yesterday. I hadn't cried (outwardly) yet, but didn't know what to expect, and was too spent to think anything more. Caleb and I led the way, with Grandpa supported by Uncle Irwin and Dad on either side, and the rest behind. The gallery had a glass pane front, with a tiered carpeted floor. It was already full when we entered (even the staircase!), with only the bottom level, upfront, left empty for the family (us).

Grandpa had wanted to "sing [Granny] into glory" - I saw a bit of a theological oddity there, but never mind, it made much sense from the point of view of there being gladness instead of sorrow, rejoicing instead of weeping, because of our victory over death in Christ. And sing we did.

If there's one thing this wake has led me to appreciate tremendously, it's having a (good) choir around. I've never really liked choirs (oops, no offence to our church choir), but this one was just - wow. The Dawnbreakers (the church choir Granny used to conduct) came for every single one of the services. I thank God for their being there, because their singing ministered to me greatly over the three days, especially because I could see that many of them sang from their hearts, and meant every word. Also, the fact that Granny trained most of them to sing, and conducted them, drew me to them.

We started off singing "Blessed Assurance". (I have developed a fondness - even preference - for hymns over this entire period.) Nothing was happening down below in the chamber at that point, though. So we started on another song, "Because He lives". Somewhere in the middle of the first verse, the guy began arranging the coffin on the transporter.
You know, you can worry about the silliest of things at the most inappropriate of times, but I was (on top of everything else) actually worried that the song wouldn't tie in properly with what was happening. Like maybe we'd be singing the second verse, which wasn't as appropriate as the third, when the coffin went in, and that would be a pity... or maybe the song would finish too soon, and then we'd be left in awkward silence. It sounds silly now, but hey, it would make a difference to the atmosphere.

I did notice another thing, while standing before the glass pane - that Mandai Crematorium had really good lighting effects! As we were singing "Blessed Assurance", the whole chamber below was brightly lit, accompanying the resolute tone of the hymn. And then it dimmed for "Because He lives", when the coffin was brought into the chamber, as we sang about God sending His son Jesus to die for us.

So the coffin moved slowly down the the moving platform in the chamber below. The singing was so powerful; it must have shaken the gallery. I was too spent to spend or think much more, but remember brief thoughts of how wonderful it must be to hear the anthems and choruses resounding through the heavenlies. I think I had / have already come to terms with it, though, and so there was but a sense of peace within, remembering the truth, and the hope.

My rather ridiculous worry proved unfounded - it was miraculously, perfectly timed. The third verse:

"And then one day I'll cross the river
I'll fight life's final war with pain
And then as death gives way to victory
I'll see the lights of glory and I'll know He lives"

accompanied the last few moments of the coffin being within sight. And as the inner gates began to shut, the chorus was sung with renewed vigour:

"Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, All fear is gone!
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives!"

The final gate shut just as we finished. God's perfect timing - even in a small way like that - was so evident. The light began to brighten a little.

Immediately, someone cued in the choir for the benediction. It was the priestly blessing taken from Numbers 6:24-26: "The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn His face toward you and give you peace." They'd sung it for the past two days, but it was lovely anyway.

In ways I cannot describe, the presence of the Lord was so strong in that place.

And then, as they sang the line, "'the Lord make His face shine upon you", something even more wonderful happened.

The whole chamber was suddenly filled with a bright, bright glow - this I saw clearly, for I was standing right at the front before the glass pane. I know I wasn't imagining things, because I saw that both Grandpa and Dad noticed, and looked up. I looked up too and saw.

The chamber was actually an open-roof one. (So, there weren't any lighting effects to begin with.)

I saw a cloudy sky. But through a parting in the clouds (again, one just nice) - glorious, glorious - the sun shone ever so brightly down, casting a glorious glow on the place beneath.

And there I cried, albeit just a little. For I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God was there, as He has been, and always is.

True wealth

2010-01-09T00:29:00.000+08:00

Earlier today, I met a remarkable man.

He was fairly middle-aged, seated peacefully on a wheelchair, along one of the numerous tunnels in the underground Orchard network. In front of him he had an array of tissue packets, and a little metal coin box.

I saw him from a distance, and uncomfortably dropped my eyes towards the floor (something I always do when I see people like that, if I don't donate anything, because a mild wave of guilt, pity, and compassion rushes over me). Somewhere ahead I caught a glimpse of a lady going up to him and pulling out a note from her wallet.

Normally they don't do much apart from giving a slight nod, but he was different. In an unusual display of gratitude, he thanked her loudly (yet not overly so), and flashed a winning smile. She said he was welcome, and politely asked him something along the lines of, "How do you do?"

His reply was one I'd never heard before from one who sells tissue paper along the streets; one that both touched and pricked me at the same time: "Very blessed! Thank you!" - once again flashing his toothy grin, and then calling after her, "God bless!"

-

I was with Rebecca when that happened. We had just spent a dissatisfying hour attempting, but failing, to buy school uniforms, and weren't in the most contented of moods. We walked on in silence for a while, before she turned to me and asked, "What does it take for someone like him to say that?"

I thought about it.

It takes a real perspective on life. A right perspective.

2010-01-06T23:04:00.002+08:00

Batch chalet, which began on monday and ended earlier today, was rather enjoyable (: Perhaps not quite as cosy and warm as previous years. (Which, I feel, I am partly to blame for.. I could have done more, sorry.) I also wish I hadn’t been quite so exhausted. I suppose it was the combination of the pent up tension of the past few weeks (finally had a slightly longer reprieve from it), as well as not actually sleeping much during the chalet itself, but instead lying in bed, sometimes thinking, most times dreaming…

Still, there were memorable experiences with the rest!
I couldn’t stop grinning when I related our most amusing Kitchen Drama to my parents. Briefly, it involved attempting to hack cans of mushroom soup open with a fork/key/knife, pineapple/cucumber/tomato-cutters-to-be fighting over the sole knife available, cooking soup in a rustic looking wok, and making salad in a even more rustic wok lid (which toppled and fell a couple of times), all this while ten of us or so tiptoed around a small kitchen with a mucky floor (thanks to the falling wok lid full of stuff).
Our ‘amazing race’ of sorts around White Sands mall was definitely fun as well (kudos to Julia and Pearlyn!) – I am tickled by our having completed the silliest of things. Thankfully we didn’t earn too many odd stares for the ‘laugh outside an eating place for one minute’ task. Keyun, rebecca, yujia, and gloria were fantastic and oh-so-sporting teammates: not so surprisingly, we won! :DD

On a separate note, the doctors say things are in the “days”… we still pray and hope, of course, for a miracle; but like mom said earlier on, no matter what happens, “we will still praise Him”. Dad has lost (not much, but) a frightening amount of weight, though. According to Uncle Irwin, he, in his 1.78m frame, is the same weight as me now – !!

But granny talked today! (: I was so shocked when I heard her voice; I haven’t since she went into hospital a few weeks back.

To see the vigour of youth, and the exhausted struggle of age… life offers stark contrasts, indeed.

Looking back on 2009

2009-12-31T17:12:00.000+08:00

Matthew 6:33
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

A quick post before we head off to church for watchnight service and countdown (- isn’t it cool to spend the turn of the decade in church :)).

To think that 2009 has come to an end. Wow.

It’s been an incredible year. I’m not going to do a lengthy reflection-cum-new-resolutions post like I have for previous years, I think, unless I am strangely inspired to do so sometime later. How can a year, even if but parts of it, be condensed into mere words? … much less summarised into a paragraph which I’ve only a few minutes to type.

I say it has been remarkable, but not quite for what has happened. Indeed, memorable experiences are plentiful and all of which I am very grateful for. Rather, it’s how I know I have grown in Christ – and this by God’s grace alone – that has made all the difference. In actual fact I’m probably still teething in terms of maturity, but Lord, you have been so gracious as to show me glimpses of what living a Christian life can be. And those glimpses are enough to both satisfy and yet make me constantly yearn for more.

And oh, if every year walked with Christ (despite the many falls), if every year spent deeper in love with Him (despite the failings), was so incredible simply because of Who He is… what an exciting thing it is to think of the life that awaits!

My prayer for the year ahead is that I may “seek first His kingdom and His righteousness”. That in the midst of a new (pressurising) environment, with new (higher) expectations, new relationships… I will cling on to Him who matters most, in spite of all that the world says.

The world says that for the next two years to come, studies are going to be extremely important, as is my eventual career, wealth, health, happiness, fulfillment (which good results presumably ensure). That I must follow my ‘heart’, and be the person I want to be. But that isn’t true.

I pray then, that I will stand firm. That I will love Him above all, that I will fight to live for Christ, that I will put Him first in my life. For I am confident that “all these things will be given me as well” – in that I need not fear or worry more than necessary. I pray that I will never lose sight of the eternal glory and hope I have in Him.

And so, slightly in advance: A happy new year to you! (:

Christmas, D-Day

2009-12-25T15:07:00.001+08:00

Twenty one minutes.

-

Things feel rather surreal, now -

It's Christmas Day.

The wee hours of the morning were spent in joyful, quiet contemplation; something which I have missed so dearly as a result of my working to sleep early (I think I'm going to revert that routine for the rest of the hols.) The familiar line, "Christmas isn't Christmas, until it happens in your heart" struck me, for it's indeed very true. I'm glad it has happened. (:

I awoke relatively cheerily and light-hearted this morning, thankful for many things. We had a calm breakfast, planning to reach church at 9+, since no one was on duty (for once!) Just as we were about to step out of the house to leave for church, an urgent call came - a Call which people whose relatives are in hospital silently dread. Dad was to go down to the hospital immediately, they said, as was Uncle Irwin (i.e. both sons). The next few minutes were tense ones, and it was hurriedly arranged that my siblings and I would cab to church (and subsequent plans, too).

We reached got there late, of course, and had to stand. Nonetheless, it was heartening to see how our church has grown from 'strength to strength', even though we're tucked away in a quiet neighbourhood (cum lonely opposition ward :P). The sanctuary was packed; there was barely even standing room to begin with! Once the Chinese congregations went down, things cleared up a lot, but the place was still full and I opted to stand at the back rather than to sit right up front. I'm grateful, really grateful, for being blessed with a church family.

(I was just thinking a few days ago that I'm indeed very fortunate to have so many places I can consider 'home' - places which hold dear memories, which I know well, which I am comfortable in: 1. our house, 2. my grandparents' place, 3. church, 4. school.)

Granny's situation was admittedly on my mind throughout much of the sermon, but Phil 4 was a reminder to rejoice, and give thanks, in all things.

Then presents-exchange amongst the youths: I felt so extremely bad about not having anything to give, save for a handshake, smile, and a "Merry Christmas!" That I didn't quite have time is half-true, but I suppose I could have always made more time to do so. (Don't worry, everyone! I am determined to get round to preparing Christmas presents/cards way in advance next year :PP) I've realized that even though I may not be one for presents, there are those who appreciate them greatly and it's definitely a way of showing that you love and care, and a way to encourage them in the Lord.

So anyway I am surrounded by piles of gingerly unwrapped gift paper (I'm odd like that; I really dislike ripping wrapping paper apart, and as far as possible try to preserve them for future gifts!), cards, and little presents. I know I'm definitely very blessed to be a part of this church family.

The laptop's here, at my desk, crowded in with everything.

-

Seven minutes ago.

The operation's probably started already. A "one way street", dad said.

We're praying, hoping for the best, but trusting Him should the worst happen..

Such love

2009-12-25T02:31:00.000+08:00

Such love, pure as the whitest snow
Such love, weeps for the shame I know
Such love, paying the debt I owe
Oh Jesus, such love.

Such love, stilling my restlessness
Such love, filling my emptiness
Such love, showing me holiness
Oh Jesus, such love.

Such love, springs from eternity
Such love, streaming through history
Such love, fountain of life to me
Oh Jesus, such love.

Some say love is blind and foolish; that love is dangerous and gives someone the power to manipulate you.

Maybe that's so, for some of the love as we know and experience it. (Yet would that really be love?)

But God's love? It's, beyond the shadow of a doubt, exceedingly more than we may dream, idealize, and conceive. It's so tangible, so amazing, so personal.

Indeed, such love.

-

Granny's still in ICU - but praise God, her situation has taken a turn for the better; she's out of critical life-or-death condition. Dad says this will be a "Christmas we'll never forget", and I'm inclined to agree.

-

During this festive season, the question of what Christmas really is beckons.

Christmas isn't about presents, festivity, mega sales, carols. I'm sure even non-Christians know that. Neither is it about reunions, services, celebrations, or even family time, though those are definitely good things to have during this season.

In fact, we don't celebrate because Jesus Christ was born on Christmas day - no, it's not a so-called 'holy day' of any sort for that reason. (He wasn't even born on Dec 25, actually.)

I know that an understanding and appreciation of what Christmas really is broadens and deepens over the years, but here's my short, two cents worth:

Christmas tells and reminds of the greatest love anyone can know.

It represents the greatness of God's love for mankind - we, who are but dust - in the form of His Son (Who is essentially Himself, and yet not Himself; that is the mystery of God, which none can comprehend). Although we were created with the intention of enjoying perfect union with Him, we were also given free will. And because we were given free will, we could choose - and we chose to disobey; we can never only blame Adam and Eve, because we ourselves sin over and over again... in actions, in thoughts, in feelings.

God is by nature and definition perfect - perfect in love. But also perfect in holiness. He is Holy, and therefore cannot tolerate sin. "For the wages of sin is death". We all deserve death, not so much physically, but spiritually (i.e. eternal separation from God), because of our sinfulness.

Yet God, in His love, has given us a way out. He has absolutely no need to, for He is fully adequate and complete in Himself. And yet He bothered, out of sheer love, and gave us the most precious gift He could.

Think about it: how else could God possibly display a greater love for us? He could have easily just removed our sins from us, or made us perfect in the first place, or... perhaps just thundered from heaven everyday and told us that He loved us.

But no! He decided to give of Himself, to give of His own Son - to take the punishment we rightfully deserve. If we as humans quite regularly marvel at the sacrificial love of our parents for us, imagine the breadth and depth of the Father and Son's perfect love for each other. No wonder the cross was not merely a physical torture; the pain and heartbreak went so very very much deeper. For the Son was forsaken and rejected by the Father, for the first and only time ever in time. He was forsaken and rejected, so that we may never be, if we choose so. And then He was raised to life again in glory, to prove that He was/is God, to show that in Him we have triumph over death. That all who believe may have a hope that will never die; an everlasting hope.

Christ, whose birth we celebrate during Christmas, was, and is, that God-given gift. A gift that promises redemption, salvation, hope, eternal life.

A love gift.

-

A Blessed Christmas to you (:

Tamed fancies

2009-12-06T22:57:00.002+08:00

Oh, yeah! Remembered something I’d wanted to post about -

You know, dreams have this uncanny way of making you think about things you never would have otherwise, at whatever the [psychologically] painful cost. And though they be agonizing while they last and at times really morbid, I’m somehow left with a refreshed perspective.

The night before, I dreamt that my left forearm was being sawn off (ouch) to be donated to another person whose arms had been lost in an accident. Though what good a forearm would have done to a person with no arms, I don’t know! – dreams are weird like that. And somehow, I was doing it voluntarily, because by some queer logic (and an extraordinarily huge heart) I’d concluded that it was better for me to just have one hand and give my other one to another person…

I was in the make-believe operating theatre when a tsunami of regret swept over me, and started screaming. *cringes* Thoughts about all that I wouldn’t ever be able to do again whirled through my mind (playing the flute was one of the first things that popped into my mind, probably because I’d just gotten one earlier on). Then, I think I was on the verge of shouting at them to stop even though my forearm was half-severed and I’d be shattering that other person’s hopes. (Most thankfully, I woke up before it reached a conclusion. PHEW.)

Once I’d snapped back into the reality of my lying intact on my bed, and had gotten over the silliness of it, I couldn’t help but give thanks. I started thanking God for my arms, for a start. I think I’ve been pretty ungrateful lately, deep down. I’ve been taking many things for granted, and I’m thankful for such powerful, soul-cutting reminders, intangible and dreamy though they be.

A muse

2009-12-06T22:57:00.001+08:00

My cousins and I entertained ourselves last night with our self-imagined, highly ingenious (hah) game called “hamburger” (something we haven’t done for a long time) much to our parents dismay. It’s essentially a very simple game – everyone’s an imaginary meat patty, and we stack up by means of jumping on and spreading out over each other in layers, with a large cushion [presumably the bread] inbetween.

Anyway, I haven’t had so much childish fun in ages! ;D It’s interesting how much fun we used to have playing these kinds of games, with catching and hide and seek among the ranks.

Speaking of catching, I seem to have gotten very bad at it. Time eludes me very well.

Birthday princess

2009-12-03T11:04:00.001+08:00

The greatest thing I could ever do… is spend my life on loving You.

-

Last Monday's birthday surprise was so excitingly fun! :D Lying secretly under a bed armed with balloons, literally gulping down giggles... :D Oh, towards the end I was laughing til my tummy ached. I mean, the thought of three teenage girls rolling about on a grass patch outside an MRT station is hilarious, let alone being a part of it! (fine not really rolling, but still :D)

[edit: Click here for the fuller story :D]

Happy (early) sixteenth TIAN KEYUN! :D

Farewell Alma Mater'09

2009-11-21T01:15:00.001+08:00

Despite the not-so-pleasant start to the afternoon/evening - was stuck in a bus during the flood along Bt Timah Rd for 2.5 hours, resulting in me having to change and pack in 10 mins - FAM was surprisingly (and thankfully) exciting and enjoyable, just not something I'd want to do again in a long time. ;D Everyone looked so classy and grown-up that I couldn't stop grinning!

A small assortment of photos

Oh, before that. Kudos to Keyun's (yay thank you for waiting and going along <3) and my make-up artist; she was really good! Haha when she was done with Keyun we (me, my mother and sister) couldn't stop commenting on how pretty she looked. I was rather worried, though, when all I heard from the three of them during my turn was spurts of giggling and "AHHHH JIEEE"s from my sister... :P

Another thing: after looking at the other photos on facebook, I really like our camera. Have tons more photos, but seeing as I haven't the time to post them, facebook shall have to suffice.

Anyway!

Yingjun, Keyun, and Julia all looking really glamorous (:
And the three of us SBMs with great 'moqi' as usual - all in black!

A very chio Yu-Jia <3

Becky looking, hm, lovely (:

Rachel, Jiayi, Nancy (:

415! (:

GREASE! :D attempting a jumpshot.
Yujia, in an email the day before - "heheh we should take a jumpshot to prove we can jump, contrary to what our past photos have shown.!"
Oh well. Still, we look relatively victorious.

Although I am crouched in an awkward position (confession: my thighs really hurt after squatting for what felt like 56148320 photos), I like this photo nonetheless - for the people in it.
Batch'09! :D

What writing farewell notes does to you...

2009-11-16T17:26:00.001+08:00

Arts Fest

2009-11-15T18:23:00.001+08:00

Arts Fest has been fun! :D Not really fantastic, but aside for my sleepiness on both days, enjoying my last two days in school in this way with friends has been much more fun than talks, talks, and more talks. Oh, and Chinese. Which was pretty much what the week prior to this one was like.

I'm still rather bemused with myself that I finally, finally brought myself to dress up - something I had stoutly refused to do for the past four years, or when I did, only in a way that would make me fit nicely into the background. At least I know what to wear for Christmas now, hur hur :D (Oops, I'm boring like that.)

A number of photos coming up! (A pity, though, that facebook's photos are of such low resolution, which completely discourages anyone from wanting to download others'.)

SBMs decked out in stunning reds on the first day!

Huining, Rachel and I. I think my phototaking skills have improved! :D It used to be surgical in nature - you know, always chopping off various parts of people.

Me, Weiqing and Nancy.

Speaking of Nancy...
I realized that I have several friends (like her) who have very Interesting ideas of art.

This is Nancy's artistic shot number one: three heads in a row.

Presenting, artistic shot number two! Twisted representations of Talia and Weiqing. *grimaces*

One Sec 4 class' busking activity - posing as golden statues. Spot anyone familiar? ;D

Photos with other friends - Anna here! (looking glamorous hee :D)
Mom says my friends all look very grown-up. I completely agree :O.

Ooh, I have moqi with a lot of other people!
Huining and I didn't plan on complementing each other, but somehow...

(:

Now for day 2 :D

I happened to bump into yujia on the way into the hall for the start of the day programme. She stared at me like she hadn't seen me in 20 years, when in reality it was closer to a day.
Yujia: "Omg Talia you're in a skirt!"
Me: " ... "

Huining and Rachel again - two classmates with whom I probably have been with most these two years (:

Later, as our class rushed in late for the jazz performance by Ms Rani, I found to my delight yujia sitting in front of me! Whom I haven't talked to all that much lately. I beckoned her over, and we started snapping more shots.

[inserts make-believe photo here]

Unfortunately, at this point I realized my phototaking skills paled (or more accurately, blurred) in comparison to yujia's, so the photos are with her ):

Some way into the performance, I stared in disbelief as yujia started taking the most random shots ever - I tell you, she can easily win the Singapore Most Random Photo contest! (if it existed.) She even took a photo of her friend's hand against the brown hall floor.

Me: "Yujia, why on earth did you take that photo for!"
Yujia: "It's art mah."

I never knew I had so many Uniquely Artistic friends.

So, I gave it a go too!

This is my artistic shot no. 1: approaching new frontiers. It's actually a cross-sectional view of yujia's front. (??) Meow.

And my artistic shot no. 2! I call it ... Grey Areas. (Honestly, I can't remember what it is. The thing in the middle looks a bit like a blurry ear, though.)

Mid-way through the performance, I made the discovery of the day:
Yujia is three and a half years [old]! (gerrit :D you know, ears?)

Despite her three and a half years, she's got a long white tale to tell too. Haha.

I found more GREASErs lurking in the canteen. Here's hungry Samantha - she couldn't even bear to put her food away for the camera!

... and her trusty sidekick, Gloria. Who attempted to blow me a kiss :O

Gloria: "TALIA!! Is that your shirt!!"
Me: "Yes it is. Why?"
Gloria: "AHH!! Talia actually has ladylike clothes!!"

(and the day before, in the foyer before morning assembly)

Gloria: "TALIA!! You're in a skirt!!" (gloria, must change your style of greeting people!)
Me: "Yes..." *embarrassed smile*
Gloria: "Haha!" [puzzled look] "...and sports shoes?"

Jane and I (:

Happy Birthday Jiayi :D (...and Pearlyn and Kangjie and Delia!)

Around noontime, our class headed to the Koi Pond to busk - lugged our keyboard to school again. It was pretty fun, not quite counting the fact that there wasn't really anyone much around to listen. We sang Christmas carols + our class song over and over :P I think our class can sound surprisingly angelic! I couldn't help but grin at how sweet and demure Silent Night sounded as it floated about in the air, considering our... sweet but not-so-demure personalities. ;D I'll really miss 415!

-

Later in the evening, headed off for RGS Nite at UCC. Met rebecca for dinner, and we stopped at UCC - so we thought. At 7.30pm sharp, we were breathlessly asking the ushers "is this the RGS performance?" and when they nodded, we rushed in to the concert hall. Only to realize (to our dismay) that there was a huge grand piano plonked in the middle of the stage, and we didn't recognize anyone. (Later, we found out that we'd dashed into the Yong Siew Toh Conservatory of Music -.-)

Nearly wasn't admitted, seeing how late I was. They'd even closed the door, and I was despairing outside and pleading with the usher to let me in, who politely refused. Yet by some miracle, the door opened a minute later and another usher said that the first item hadn't started, so I could go in! The band started marching in just as I walked in.

I am so very proud of dear RGSSB! :DD No stands, no scores, no conductor - marching (sometimes waddling cutely about :P), posing animatedly with instruments, and playing - all at the same time! Excitedly filmed a bit of it, but an usher came over to say I couldn't ): Which explains the sad lack of photos of the whole thing.

The whole thing was FANTASTIC. AWESOME. (I don't think I've ever attributed that to any performance before.) I was extremely impressed with everything, and only wished I'd invited my family to go along too! The musical was so, so good. Felt so proud of them, especially Peixin :D

Seatmates for the concert - Weiqing, Sarah, Karmin (: Together we attempted to enjoy a not-so wonderful view, but enjoyed a great concert nonetheless.

We knew something was up in the air when we saw those. Guess they had nowhere to hide them, eh.

As suspected, RGS night ended with a bang, the school song, and school cheers. It was really really great, and I'm so thankful that I had a chance to be a part of the Raffles history and heritage.

A story of farewell

2009-11-06T22:25:00.002+08:00

You know, they say farewells are hardest to say.

*nods vigorously in agreement*

Which is why I have yet to finish my farewell notes, even though school's ending really soon. (gulps.) My rgssb farewell notes, I mean. Notwithstanding all the many others.

I can't believe I've officially graduated from RGS.

Unofficially, though, I still remain an RGS girl through-and-through, what with another week or so of school to go.

And I think I will remain so for the rest of my life.

I don't quite know what exactly it is about RGS that makes it so - endearing. It's hardly perfect.

Yet there's this strong sense of community that you don't find in many other places, where you can head down the corridor to the toilet, and along the way holler four people's names, poke two of them, and give one of them a hug.

It's a community of acceptance. Acceptance of who you are. We dare to be ourselves - fun-loving, childish, quirky. And just slightly smarter, perhaps.
While like most other teens we seek affirmation and recognition, one thing stands out: we dare to be different. We dare to stand up for what we believe in, and throw ourselves into what we love. Though others may tease at times, those that actually live these convictions out are respected.

There was once I had the opportunity to speak to several batches of parents of P6-potential-RG-students, and mentioned this. (Hm, the fact that I was privileged to have such a platform is probably a testament to this very proposition.)
I think what's so great about RGS is it really gives us the freedom to experiment. Of course, one's got to ensure that one meets certain school expectations, but apart from that... By providing a wealth of opportunities (people have likened it to a buffet), it gives us that freedom to choose; to climb the mountains; to stumble and fall yet trudge on. It lets us discover how to better strike our life's balance, and more significantly, who we are. And what we live for.

-

I suppose our graduation ceremony itself deserves some mention! Hm, let's see.

CCA chairs handover - probably the last time I'll be onstage for something like this. It was so surreal to think that 12 months ago, I'd done exactly the same thing. The same lines, the same people in front and behind me. The same steps, the same place.
Except that it was I who had been questioning, fearful, tentative; as I smiled apprehensively at the sea of blue and white, all the time gingerly clutching the mace that stood tall, proud, and unperturbed.
Those feelings weren't entirely foreign today. But there was a sense of pride mixed in with all that - and this not pride for myself, but for another. Joanne, the band's finally officially in your hands now. And I know that you're going to be the best BM that you could ever ever be (:

Jessica and Mrs Hoo's speeches were refreshingly unusual, and enjoyable! Song-singing and cheering, though a little too long, swept us along in this tide of nice fuzzy feeling. That as cool and stoically brave Sec4s, we don't really feel that much anymore. (Well, that's not true, then.)

Class partying and all. We didn't really do much, but I guess our class just enjoys doing nothing much and going with spontaneity (and Korean songs). We're fine with just enjoying each other's company.

"Because we're a humanities class..."
And that was more than enough for me. I'm going to miss 415 loads. For what we stand for. For the love and friendship.

-

I know I'll miss RGS dearly.

What is past, will be carefully preserved. Some even etched deeply within.

I will miss all that has become so close. But with every end comes a new chapter; exciting, promising, lovingly written.

2009-10-28T00:01:00.000+08:00

Today's BSF lesson touched on proclaiming God's greatness, and I realized that though He's been so good to me lately (well, actually, all the time!) I've gotten kind of lazy in terms of proclaiming it on a blogging platform :P So yes, here I am!

Last week, I'd been feeling pretty down - wretched, rather - and just felt oppressively burdened by the weight of my sinfulness, in more ways than one. I knew, of course, that I wasn't supposed to be feeling that way... Still, I continued in that state of perpetual guilt, knowing I'd failed Him yet again in those couple of areas I keep failing in. Essentially, I felt utterly miserable, on the deepest level - in a way I don't quite know how to explain (well, at least at 12am at night. Perhaps I should blog in the morning, instead.)

Anyhow, YF was to have a prayer meeting on Saturday. I hadn't intended to go, even more so given my frame of mind. On Friday night, however, I got an urgent SMS from Elliot asking if I could play the keyboard for worship during the prayer meeting.

So Saturday afternoon saw me trudging (admittedly rather reluctantly) to church for the meeting. Even after I had done what I'd gone for (which wasn't exactly the proper reason), I kept trying to conjure up a reasonable explanation for needing to go so that I'd get to skip the rest of the meeting. Maybe I'd say that my brother was waiting for me (he'd gone for a meeting) and I needed to go. Or, I could say that I'd to rush home to help mom cook. I eventually decided I ought not lie, though, so I stayed. :P And on hindsight, I'm so thankful that I felt obliged to, then.

There wasn't anything in particular that happened. Piano playing didn't actually go that great (quite badly, in fact :P given that I'd only practiced for 10 mins. Which reminded me that yes, I do need to practice!)

But, I did tell Olive and Sarah (whom I prayed with) about how I felt so horrid - something I've rarely done. And, despite everything, I was ministered to, through their prayers.

Got to speak briefly with Dwong. And Eugene, after that. It's amazing how God uses people: through them, I was reminded again of the precious truth, the redemption of the cross.

How our righteousness has been earned - past tense here - and now we have forgiveness. That inner torment over sin is an act of sheer grace by God, for in so doing He calls us back to Himself again; gently, firmly; He doesn't let us go. Most of all, how our sinfulness all the more heightens our realization of the depth of Christ's amazing love for us. And it is in His work on the cross that we can have the assurance of righteousness; nothing we do can ever earn that, but, nothing we do can ever take it away either.

(*yawns* Oops, think I'm getting rather sleepily incoherent. Have a lot more to say, but I guess I'll have to continue another time.)

I'm humbled by His love, at His faithfulness. - who am I, that He should care for me? And He works in ways we would never imagine.

I cannot help but thank Him for restoring my soul once again. (:

2009-10-13T18:43:00.000+08:00

Haven’t updated this place for a week already! :O Well, rather than launch into a summary of how the past week has been, I’ll mention the myriad of things that pop into my mind ;)

‘Tis the week of results! – to date, we’ve gotten back half our papers. I have been, am, and am going to be thankful for whatever I get (fantastic-not though they be).

I’ve always found it interesting to observe how people react to their results, because it tends to show a fair bit about that person, and often, sides that one won’t otherwise see.

Anyway, I’m a little embarrassed that Mr Jalleh had to pause, emphatically and melodramatically, in front of me for a couple of seconds before thrusting my SS script at me. During that pause he smiled enigmatically, and went, “Why, Talia? You don’t think you did well, is it?” (I couldn’t help but nod vigorously; I had been half-expecting to fail SS (but yet wasn’t weary or annoyed, just rather amused at myself).) Haha, I suppose I must have been squirming quite uncomfortably (as I suspect I may for Lit if I don’t control myself) before he passed it to me, oops.

But yeah. It wasn’t great, but I’m still thankful (: And I think, that I’m finally reaching a point where I will (hopefully) be able to be in complete acceptance (and grateful) of whatever numbers eventually appear on my results slip – which really aren’t as all-important as we tend to make them out to be. Though this is but one thing I need to learn to surrender.
I know too that I severely need to learn to grow in humility, and pray that I may be humbled.

“But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven… For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

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Speaking of which, this weekend presented a most formidable challenge – for me, at least. I… well. Let’s just say that by Saturday night, I felt so annoyed with myself for having agreed to this (and potentially setting up YF service the next day for some kind of a disaster) and extremely wary (because I thought (and still think) I lack ability). But on hindsight I, am grateful, that it brought me to a breaking point of sorts. I could only cry out and tell Him that apart from Him, I could do nothing; that anything I did would only be by His grace; and all this in a way that I would have not been able to if not for this. Oh, when I finally did tell my family about it, they were very encouraging, and I’m really thankful for them (:

The wonderful thing is, God is most certainly faithful; though during rehearsal the previous day my heart had been thumping with fear, that morning I did have a strong sense of peace within. And, I guess it wasn’t particularly good, and there were many AFI, but everything went okay; and ultimately it’s not what I, but He, thought of it that counts.

The only thing I could think of after the wave of gratefulness and the relief was: I never want to do this again! and quietly resolved that I never shall, if possible. Frankly, I still… really don’t want to, and I still kind of hope He won’t ever lead me to again, although I keep telling Him that He can use me in any way He wants. (sigh – in any way He wants, as long as I’m good at it and comfortable with it, right.)

What was interesting was how He sent Aunty Bee Khim to speak to me (who has, since Sec1, spoken to me about these things – joining Worship Acad in Sec1, playing the keyboard in Sec2). Briefly, she said that my face had been appearing in her mind throughout the past week, and determined that she would have to speak to me on Sunday regarding this very area of service – only to happily discover that I’d agreed for that Sunday.

I have still been in a highly reluctant state – though I knew it ran contrary to everything. But this morning’s passage … I couldn’t escape the thing about humbling myself in obedience.

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,
that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.

(And this passage is so beautiful on its own :))